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COF»-RIGHT OEPOSm 



DOLLY REFORMING 
HERSELF 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 

BY 

HENRY AETHUR JONES 



"Memnon con9ut un jour le projet insenee d'etre 
parfaitement sage. II n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette 
folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la tete." — Voltaire. 



Copyright 1910 by HENRY ARTHUR JONES 



SAMUEL FRENCH 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 

NEW YORK 



©CI.D 209'^ d 



•^/ 



PERSONS REPRESENTED. 

Harry Telfer (Dolly's husband). 

Matthew Barron (Dolly's father). 

Captain Lucas Wentworth (Dolly's cousin). 

Professor Sturgess. 

The Reverend James Pilcher (Vicar of Crookbury). 

Criddle. 

Mrs. Harry Telfer (Dolly). 
Mrs. Sturgess (Renie). 
Peters (Dolly's maid). 



DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF 



ACT I. 

Scene.— The Dravving-Room at Harry Telfer's, 
The Gables, Crookbury Green, Surrey. 

Time—TniL afternoon of ist January, 1907. 



ACT II. 

Scene.— The same. 

r/w^— After dinner on the same day. 



ACT III. 

Scene.— The same. 

7"mt'— Later on the same night. 



ACT IV. 

Scene.— The same. 

Time—TniL afternoon of ist January, 1908. 




ACT I. 

SCENE: Drawing-room at HARRY Telker's, The 
Gables, Crookbury Green, Surrey. A well-furnished 
room in a modern redbrick country house. At the 
back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the 
hall with backing of a door. All along the right 
side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory 
which is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the 
other down. On the left side is a large fireplace. 
At the back, in the centre, is a handsome writing- 
desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fire- 
place, facing the audience is a large sofa. To the 
right of sofa, and below it in the left centre of the 
room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. 
Right centre down stage is a larger table. 

Time: The afternoon of ist fanuary, 1907. 

Discover at writing-table, back to audience, DOLLY 
Telfer, a bright little woman about thirty, busied 
with bills and papers. Bending over her, back to 
audience, is her father, Matt Barron, a pleasant- 
looking, easy-going cynic of sixty . Harry Telfer, 
Dolly's husband, an ordinary good-natured, 
weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, 
is standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on 
armchair, reading a scientific book, is PROFESSOR 
SturgESS, a hard, dry, narrow, fattish scientific 
man abo^a forty-five. At the table, right, reading 
a French novel, is Renie Sturgess, the Professor's 
wife, a tall, dark, handsome woman about twenty- 
seven. 

B 




ACT I.] 2 

Harry. 
'O, I can't say that I pay very much 
attention to sermons as a rule, but Pilcher 
gave us a regular downright, no-mistake- 
about-it, rouser at the Watch-night Service 
last night. 

Matt. [ Turning round.^ I wonder what precise dif- 
ference this rousing sermon will make in the conduct 
of any person who heard it. 

Harry. Well, it 's going to make a lot of difference 
in my conduct. At least, I won't say a lot of difference, 
because I dpn't call myself a very bad sort of fellow, 
do you? 

Matt. N-o— No 

Harry. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, 
ain't I, Dolly? [DOLLY takes no notice^ And I've got 
no flagrant vices. But I've got a heap of — well a heap 
of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so on, and 
for the coming year I 'm going to knock them all off. 

Matt. That will be a score for Pilcher — that is, if 
you do knock them off 

Harry. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised 
Dolly last night, didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY takes no 
no notice^ Dolly too! Dolly was awfully impressed 
by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly? 

Matt. \Looking round at Ti<d\AN'''6 backi\ Dolly was 
awfully impressed? 

Harry. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me 
her word, that if I'd give her a little help, she'd pay 
off all her bills, and live within her allowance for the 
future, didn't you, Dolly? 

Matt. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher — 
that is, if Dolly does live within her allowance. 

Harry. Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you 
Dolly? 

Dolly. \Turns round on her stool, bills in hand.^ I 
think it's disgraceful! 

Matt. What? 

Dolly. These tradespeople! [Comes down to MATT.] 



3 [ACT I. 

I'm almost sure I've paid this bill once — if not twice. 
Then there's a mistake of thirty shillings in the 
addition — you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that 
up for me. My head is so muddled. 

{Giving the bill to Matt. 

Harry. Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that 
resolution not to have any more bills? 

Dolly. It will be heavenly! To go about all day 
with the blessed thought that I don't owe a farthing 
to anybody. It's awful! 

{Crunching a bill in her hand^ and throwing 
it on to writing-table. 

Harry. Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such 
a very alarming amount, do you? 

Dolly. Oh no! Oh no\ And if you'll only help me 
as you promised 

Harry. We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. 
In fact I did mean to give you a pleasant little 
Christmas surprise, and pay off all your debts. 

Dolly. Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it? 

Harry. I've done it so often! You remember the 
last time? 

Dolly. {Making a wry face.'] Yes, I remember the 
last time. 

Harry. And here we are again ! 

Dolly. Oh, don't talk like a clown! 

Harry. But, my dear Dolly, here we are again. 

Dolly. Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply 
haven't got it! I was born without it! 

Matt. {Hands her the bill.'] The addition is quite 
correct. 

Dolly. {Taking the bill.] You're sure? Then I'm 
convinced I've paid it! {Looking at bill.] Yes! Thirty 
four, seven, six. Professor Sturgess 

Prof. {Looks up from his book.] Yes? 

Dolly. You understand all about psychology and 
the way our brains work. 

P7'of. I've given my entire life to their study, but I 
cannot claim that I understand them. 



ACT I.] 4 

Dolly. But wouldn't you say 

Prof. What? 

Dolly. I'm morally certain I've paid this bill. 

Matt. Have you got the receipt? 

Dolly. No! I must have mislaid it. 

Matt. When, and where did you pay it? 

Dolly. I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And 
now 

Matt. And now ? 

Dolly. Fulks and Garner have sent me a most 
impertinent note requesting immediate payment. 

Prof. What is the particular brain process that you 
wish me to explain? 

Dolly. How do you account for my having the most 
vivid impression that I've paid it — so vivid that I 
cannot shake it off? 

Prof Well— a 

Matt. Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation 
of the feminine mind whereby the merest wish becomes 
an accomplished fact.^ 

Dolly. My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact 
amount: thirty-four, seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, 
six. I shall never enter Fulks and Garner's shop again ! 

iS'w/^r Griddle. {Announces?^ Captain Wentworth! 

Enter Captain Lucas Wentworth, a good-looking 
smart you?ig army man about thirty. He is in 
riding-clothes. Exit Criddle. At Captain 
Wentworth's entrance Renie shows keen in- 
terest^ throws him a secret glance as he goes to 
shake hands with DOLLY. 

Dolly. Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New 
Year once more! 

Lucas. Same to you. {^Shaking hands i\ Happy New 
Year, everybody! Good afternoon, Harry! 

{Nodding to Harry. 

Harry. Ditto, Lu, 



5 [ACT I. 

Lucas. Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year! 

{^Shaking hands. 

Matt. Happy New Year, Lucas! 

Lucas. Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess. 

[Shaking hands with Renie. 

Renie. Good afternoon. 

Lucas. None the worse for your outing last night, 
I hope? 

Renie. Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought 
to make us all very much better. 

Dolly. May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess 
— my cousin Captain Wentworth. 

Lucas. How d'ye do? 

Prof. How d'ye do? 

Matt. So you came over to the Watch-night Service, 
I hear? 

Lucas. Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and 
Dolly was cracking up this new parson of yours, so I 
thought I'd jog over and sample him. 

Matt. A dozen miles over here at midnight; an 
hour's service in a cold church; and a dozen miles 
back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I hope the 
sermon thoroughly braced you up! 

Lucas. It did. It made me feel just as good as I 
knew how to be. 

Matt. Here's another score for Pilcher! 

Dolly. Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you 
to keep on sneering at Mr. Pilcher! 

Matt. I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow 
up this wonderful sermon, and trace its results on all 
of you. 

Dolly. Well, you can see its results. [LuCAS has 
got near to Renie, stands with his back to her, takes 
out a letter from his coat-tail pocket, holds it out for her 
to take. She takes it, pops it in Jier novel, and goes on 
reading. He moves away from her.] Take only our 
own family. Harry and I have both turned over a 
new leaf. Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher had set you 
thinking deeply 



ACT I.] 6 

Rente. Yes, dear, very deeply, 
Dolly. Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot 
of good. 

Lucas. Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for 
a saint straight off, because — well — I'm not so sure I 

could bring it off, even if I tried 

Matt. That 's what holds me back, my wretched 
nervous fear that I shouldn't bring it off. Still, in 
justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not going to let his 
sermon be wasted. 

Lucas. Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm 
going to brisk about, and do a bit of New Year's 
tidying up. 

\^He is standing over Ren IE, who has opened 
his letter in her novel; he again exchanges 
a secret look of under standijig with her, and 
makes a sign to her to go into the co7i- 
servatory. 

Enter Criddle. 

Criddle. [Announcing.] Mr. Pilcher! 

Enter the Reverend James Pilcher, a dig, strong, 
bright, genial, manly, hearty English parso7i about 
forty. Exit Criddle. 

Dolly. How d'ye do? [Shaking hatids. 

Pilcher. How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once 
more! Happy New Year, Mr. Barron! 

Matt. [Shaking hands.] A happy New Year! 

Pilcher. How do again, Telfer? 

Harry. How are you? 

Pilcher. Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess. 

Renie. Good morning. 

[At Pilcher'S entrance she has hidden hei 
French novel behind her in the chair. In 
shaking hands with PiLCliER it drops on 
to the floor and LuCAS'S letter drops out. 
I.UCAS goes to pick it up, PlLCIlER is 



7 [act I. 

before him, picks up the novel and letter, 
looks at title of book, and hands them to 
Renie. In taking them she shows so7ne 
confusion. 

Pilcher. [Genially.] Improving the New Year by 
getting a thorough knowledge of Parisian life and 
manners, I see. 

Renie. [Confused.'] No! — I had begun the book a 
week ago and so I thought — a — I'd better finish it. 

Lucas. Good afternoon, Mr. Pilcher. 

Pilcher. Good afternoon. 

Lucas. Rattling good sermon you gave us last night. 

Pilcher. I'm glad you thought it worth coming so 
far to hear. 

Liicas. Not at all. Jolly well worth coming twice as 
far for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess.-* 

[ With a sly little look and shake of the head 
at Renie. 

Renie. I thoroughly enjoyed it! 

Pilcher. [A little surprised.] Enjoyed it! Now I 
meant to make you all very uncomfortable! 

Dolly. Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and 
we deserved it! I don't think you've met Professor 
Sturgess 1 

Pilcher. [Advancing to PROFESSOR.] No, but I've 
read his book, " Man, the Automaton." 

Prof. [Bowing?^ Not with disapproval, I trust? 

Pilcher. [Shaking hands very cordially?^ With the 
most profound disapproval, with boundless, uncom- 
promising dissent and antagonism ! 

Prof. I'm sorry! 

Pilcher. Why, you deny that man has any vestige 
of free will. 

Prof. Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm 
convinced that free will is a purely subjective illusion. 

Dolly. Do you mean that when I will to do a certain 
thing I can't do it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, 
I will to go and touch that chair! [She goes and 
touches it.] There! [Triumphantly^ I've done it! 



ACT I.J 8 

That shows I've got free will, \The PROFESSOR j/^^i-^^j 
his head.'] Well, then how did I do it? 

Prof. I affirm that your willing to touch that chair, 
or not to touch it, your actual touching it, or not 
touching it ; your possession or non-possession of a 
criminal impulse 

Dolly. I haven't any criminal impulses 

Prof. [Shakes his head and goes on.] Your yielding 
to that criminal impulse or your not yielding to it — 
all these states of consciousness are entirely dependent 
upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of cer- 
tain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, 
you will, you act according as that gray matter works. 
You did not cause or make that condition of the 
atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not 
responsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, 
seeing that your thoughts, and your actions, and that 
direction of your impulses which you call your will, 
are all precisely determined and regulated by the 
condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of 
your gray matter! 

Dolly. {Has at first listened with great attention, but 
has grown bewildered as the PROFESSOR ^c^'i- 0}t\ I don't 
care anything about my gray matter! I've quite made 
up my mind I won't have any more bills! 

Pilcher. [Turning to Renie.] Does Mrs. Sturgess 
agree with the Professor's doctrine? 

Renie. No, indeed ! To say that we 're mere 
machines — it 's horrid. 

Prof. The question is not whether it 's horrid, but 
whether it 's true. 

Pilcher. What do you think, Mr. Barron? 

Matt. It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm 
watching to see Dolly and Harry solve it! 

Dolly. See us solve it! How? 

Matt. You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul- 
stirring sermon last night. 

Pilcher. You had good hearsay accounts of my 
sermon ? 



9 [act I. 

Matt. Excellent! I should have heard it myself, 
but I've reached an age when it would be danger- 
ous to give up any of my old and cherished bad 
habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly 
reforming myself, I must be content with watching 
Dolly and Harry reform themselves. 

Dolly. Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, 
he's the most cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to 
blush for him a hundred times a day. 

[Renie strolls casually into conservatory by 
lower door. LuCAS casually follows her. 

Matt. And in order to settle once and for all this 
vexed question of free will and moral responsibility, 
I'll bet you, Harry, a simple fiver, and I'll bet you 
Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen pairs of 
gloves that you won't live up to your good resolu- 
tions, and that on next New Year's Day you'll neither 
of you be one ha'penny the better for all the wise 
counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night. 

Harry. A fiver! Done! 

Dolly. I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two 
new Parisian hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves! 

Matt. Done, my dear! 

Pilcher. I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop 
if I venture to recall that betting was one of the bad 
habits I especially warned my congregation against, 
last night! 

Harry. By Jove, yes — I'd forgotten all about that! 
Of course, if you wish us to cry off 

Pilcher. Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest 
an alternative plan which was tried with great success 
in my late parish 

Dolly. What was that? 

Pilcher. A very capital good fellow — an auctioneer 
and land surveyor, my churchwarden in fact, by name 
Jobling — found that in spite of constant good resolu- 
tions, certain small vices were gradually creeping upon 
him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to 
his clerks, an occasional half glass too much; and on 
C 



ACT I.] lO 

one lamentable market day, he actually discovered 
himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling 

Dolly. lLookingatYikv.v^\?[ Oh! Ah! 

Matt. Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good 
working order. 

Pilcher. We corrected that! We got his gray matter 
under control. 

Dolly. How? 

Pilcher. My Christmas Blanket Club happened to 
be on the road to bankruptcy. By the way, our 
Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I gave 
Jobling a sriiall box with a hole at the top sufficiently 
large to admit half a crown. And I suggested that 
whenever he was betrayed into one of these little 
slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my 
Blanket Club 

Harry. Good business ! Dolly, where 's that collect- 
ing-box they sent us from the Hospital for Incur- 
ables? 

Dolly. In the cupboard in the next room. 

Harry. Right-o! No time like the present! {Exit. 

Matt. And how did you get out of this dilemma? 

Pilcher. Dilemma? 

Matt. Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, 
or what must have been an even more distressing 
alternative to you, did Jobling continue to use bad 
language to his wife } 

Pilcher. We struck a happy medium. My Blanket 
Club balance was considerably augmented, and 
Jobling's behaviour considerably improved under the 
stress of the fines. 

Re-enter Harry with an old, dusty collecting-box on 
which is printed in large letters, " County Hospital 
for Incurables." 

Harry. {Placing the box on the table.] There! My 
name's Jobling for the present! By Jove! that was a 
very neat idea of yours. 



1 1 [act I. 

Pitcher. Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's 
tariff 

Harry. Tariff? 

Pilcher. Jobh'ng's tariff for a mild little profanity 
like " By Jove," was a mere sixpence. 

Harry. Oh ! \^Fcels in his pocket. 

Pilcher. Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's 
scale. 

Harry. Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [Takes sixpence 
out of his pocket and puts it in his dox.] I'm determined 
I'll cure myself of all these bad little tricks 

Matt. [To DO'LLY, pointing- to the 7noney-dox.] Are 
you going to contribute? 

Dolly. [Snappishly^ Perhaps, when I've paid off my 
bills. 

Matt. [To Pilcher.] Will you kindly let my 
daughter have your lowest tariff for ladies? 

Dolly. Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What 
about your own contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you 
don't intend to let my father escape. 

Pilcher. I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to 
risk a five-pound note that you and Mr. Telfer will 
not carry your New Year resolutions into practice? 

Matt. With the almost certain chance of drawing a 
five-pound note from Harry and a new hat from 
Dolly. 

Pilcher. I'm afraid I can't hold out those induce- 
ments. But I can offer you the very pleasing alter- 
natives of chuckling over your daughter's and Mr. 
Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an 
excellent charity! 

Matt. H'm ! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, 
Mr. Pilcher! Let me see! 

[Looking round, his eye falls on Renie and 
Lucas who, at the beginning of the above 
conversation have gone into conservatory 
at lower door, and now come out again 
at upper door. She has a hot-house flower 
in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed 



ACT I.] 12 

in their conversation. The PROFESSOR 
is reading and not noticing. 

Renie. \Beconiing aware that Matt is watching 
them.'] Yes, that arrangement of the stamens is quite 
unusual. It 's what the gardener calls a " sport " 

Lucas. [^Examining the flower^ Jolly good sport, 
too! 

Matt. I'm not sure that we haven't even better 
sport here 

Renie. \Coining to him.'] Sport? What sport? can 
we join? 

Matt. THat 's just what I was going to propose. 
There are four of you here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's 
excellent discourse last night. And you are all deter- 
mined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so? 

Dolly. Yes! 

Harry. I know I am. 

Matt. Mrs. Sturgess? 

Renie. Yes, indeed! 

Matt. Lucas, you? 

Lucas. Yes, Uncle. 

Matt. On the first of January next, I am prepared 
to put a sovereign in this money-box for every 
one of you who can honestly declare that he has 
broken himself or herself of his bad habits during 
the year. 

Lucas. I say, not all our bad habits? 

Matt. H'm. I don't wish to be exacting — I've no 
doubt each of you has his own little failing or weakness. 
Well, come to me and say on your honour that you've 
conquered this or that pet special weakness — and in 
goes my sovereign. 

Lucas. You don't really mean it? 

Matt. Indeed I do, I hope you won't stand out 
and — spoil sport, eh? 

Lucas. Oh, I don't mind coming in — just for the 
lark of the thing. 

Matt. Then you all agree? 



13 [ACT I. 

Dolly. Oh yes. 

Harry. Certainly. 

Matt. Mrs. Sturgess? 

Rente. We don't know where we may be next 
Christmas. 

Dolly. You'll be here with us. I invite you on the 
spot. You accept? 

Renie. Yes, delighted, if my husband 

Prof. Very pleased. 

Matt. Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your 
Blanket Club a very handsome offer. 

Pilcher. Very handsome. [Taking otit watch.'] I hope 
our friends will cordially respond, for the sake of my 
poor parishioners. 

Dolly. You'll stay for a cup of tea? 

Pilcher. I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. 
I'm afraid I must be going; good afternoon. Pro- 
fessor ! 

Prof. Good afternoon. 

Pilcher. Good afternoon, Telfer. 

Harry. Good afternoon. 

Pilcher. Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess. 

Refiie. Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent 
sermon. [Shaking hands. 

Pilcher. Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, 
since I've produced such an invigorating New Year 
atmosphere. [Renie moves her French novel. 

Matt. And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in 
the sriow! 

Lucas. Rather ! I shall come again next year. 

[Shaking hands. 

Pilcher. Do. And then we shall be able to estimate 
the effect of my eloquence. 

Matt. [Tapping the money-box^ We shall! 

Pilcher. Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer. 

Dolly. Good-bye. [Rings bell. 

Pilcher. Good-bye, Mr. Barron. 

Matt. Good-bye. [Shakes hands. 



ACT I.] 14 

PilcJicr. You might be inclined to risk a sovereign 
on yourself for the Blanket Club? 

Matt. I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter — 
I should make a dreadful fiasco. 

Pilcher. Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands. 

\Exit Pilcher. 

Matt. Dolly, now that the parson's gone, I don't 
mind having that new Parisian hat on with you. 

Dolly. Done! I don't mind how much I punish you. 

Prof. [Taking out his watch.'] Half past three, my 
dear. 

Renie. I don't think I'll go out this afternoon. 

Prof. Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. 
You missed it yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness 
is due to your not taking regular exercise. 

Renie. Which way are you going? [ Yawning. 

Prof. My usual round, up to the White House and 
back by the fish-pond. 

Renie. Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond. 

Prof. [To Matt.] Nothing like living by rule and 
measure. 

Matt. I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it. 

Prof. I ascribe my constant good health and con- 
tentment to my unvarying routine of work and diet 
and exercise. [Exit. 

Matt. Then where do my constant good health and 
contentment come from? 

Lucas. Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could 
you put me up for the night? 

Dolly. Delighted ! You'll make up our rubber. 

Lucas. Right! 

Matt. Not going to ride back to Aldershot again 
to-night? 

Lucas. Not to-night, thank you. 

Matt. Just a shade too bracing, eh? 

Lucas. Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new 
fish-pond. Is anybody going to meet the Professor? 

[Glancing at Renie. 

Matt. I am. [Linking his arm in LuCAS'S.] We'll 



I 5 [ACT I. 

get into an unvarying routine of exercise for the next 
hour. Come along! 

[Takes Lucas off as he is exchanging a look 

ivith Renie. Renie makes to follow 

them, stops at door, turns back a little, 

stops, takes out LuCAS'S letter from her 

French novel, goes to fire and reads it. 

Meanwhile the following scene takes place 

between DoLLY and Harry. 

Harry, [To DOLLY,] Now, Dolly, we can go through 

your bills. [Going to her writing-desk. 

Dolly. Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first? 

Harry. [Taking up bills.'] Oh, I'll help you sort 

them out 

Dolly. Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. 
[Taking bills out of his hands, and closing down the 
writing-desk^ I want to have a little talk with 
Renie — you'd better join them at the fish-pond. 

Harry. Well, so long as you do get them sorted, 
and squared up. What about after tea? 
Dolly. All right. After tea. 

Harry. After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, 
all to ourselves, and sweep them all out of our minds. 

[ Wit J I a gesture. 
Dolly. [Nods cheerfully.] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour 
and sweep them all out of our minds. [ With his gesture. 
Exit Harry briskly. She repeats his gesture.] Sweep 
them all out of our minds. [Opening desk and regard- 
ing bills with dismay.] Oh, don't I wish I could! 
Oh, Renie! 

[Renie is busy with her letter at the fire. 
Renie. [Puts letter into pocket^ What is it? 
Dolly. [Has taken up one or two bills.] These bills ! 
These awful bills! These vampires! 

Renie. Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, 
but it must be sweet to have a dear, kind husband 
who'll pay them all off. 

Dolly. Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. 
And then I didn't show him all. 



ACT I.] l6 

Rente. Well, dear, after all, it 's only bills 

Dolly. Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show 
him every one this time. And what a lesson it shall 
be to me! That 's why I'm so grateful to Mr, Pilcher. 

Rente. Why? 

Dolly. Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up 
my courage to go through the bills just to see where 
I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I had the most 
appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just 
in the nick of time. I thought " what an idiot I must 
be to endure all this misery just for want of a little 
resolution." ' 

Renie. Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick 
of time for me too. 

Dolly. Did it? 

Renie. I had an awful afternoon yesterday! 

Dolly. You?! You haven't any bills? 

Renie. No! \_Sighs?\^ I almost wish I had. 

Dolly. Wish you had ? ! 

Renie. I almost envy you the delicious experience 
of having to confess 

Dolly. Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, 
but I'm not! 

Renie. And then the heavenly feeling of being for- 
given, and taken in the arms of the man you love! 

Dolly. Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what 
comes before [ With a little sliiidder. 

Renie. After all, your husband isn't a machine. He 
is a human being! 

Dolly. Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, 
but he has got a temper ! 

Renie. My husband never even swears at me! Oh, 
Dolly, you are lucky! 

Dolly. Hum! 

Renie. Oh, Dolly [Sighs and goes azvay. 

Dolly. Is anything the matter? 

Renie. No dear. Nothing, except — oh, life is so 
hard! so hard! 

Dolly. Renie, if you're in trouble 



1 7 [ACT I. 

Renie. Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me. 

Dolly. Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even 
then I'd help you, only I can't. 

Renie. It isn't money. [Looking a^ DoLLY curiously.] 
I wonder if you would understand. 

Dolly. I'll do my best. 

Renie. It 's such a strange story, [Moving aiuay. 
Dolly makes a little dubious grimace behind her back?^ 
Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly ad- 
mire and honour my husband? 

Dolly. Yes. When you were engaged you called 
him " This great protagonist of science." 

Renie. That was how he appeared to my foolish 
girl's imagination. But now 

Dolly. Now? 

Renie. You know that, however tempted, nothing 
could induce me to wrong him for a moment. 

Dolly. No, but is there anybody — Renie, who is 
it? 

Renie. Give me your sacred promise you'll never 
breathe a word to any living soul? 

Dolly. Not a word — who is it? 

Renie. Not even to your husband.? 

Dolly. Not even to my husband. Who is it? 

Renie. Well, dear, you know what my life has been. 
Few women have met with so little real sympathy 
as I. Few women have suffered 

Dolly. No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him? 

Renie. Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere 
admiration for me. 

Dolly. Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd 
never ride a dozen miles in the snow for a sermon! It 's 
disgraceful of him! 

Renie. No, dear, he 's not to blame. We are neither 
of us to blame. 

Dolly. [Contemptuously.] Oh! Why you haven't 
known him a month, have you? 

Renie. I met him for the first time in this room 
three weeks ago last Thursday afternoon. 

D 



ACT I.] I8 

Dolly. It's a great pity the Professor didn't come 
down with you. 

Rente. That would have made no difference. It had 
to be! 

Dolly. What had to be? Renie, how far has this 
gone? You've been meeting him alone 

Renie. Once or twice. But, however often I may 
have met him, he has offered me nothing but the 
most chivalrous attention. He has always respected 
me 

Dolly. Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. 
It must be stopped. 

Renie. Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this 
attitude. 

Dolly. You don't suppose I'm going to have this 
sort of thing in my own house, do you? 

Renie. What sort of thing? 

Dolly. Do you remember the awful row I got into 
at school when your boy's love letter was discovered 
in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me to take in 
for you? 

Renie. But you received Banbury cakes of your 
own! 

Dolly. Not since I've been married. Of course be- 
fore your marriage your outrageous flirting didn't 
much matter 

Renie. Outrageous flirting? — If I seemed to 
flirt 

Dolly. Seemed ? ! 

Renie. It was only in the vain hope of meeting 
with one who could offer me the perfect homage that 
I have always felt would one day be mine. 

Dolly. Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell 
him so very plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner. 

Renie. There is no reason Captain Wentworth 
should not stay to dinner. He has given me the one 
absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his life. 
I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. 
I've trusted you with my secret, a secret honourable 



19 [ACT I. 

alike to Captain Wentworth and myself. You've 
promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. 
You surely don't mean to break your word? 

Dolly. I don't mean to stand the racket of your 
Banbury cakes, 

Renie. I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. 
You promised to help me! 

Dolly. Help you! How did you expect me to help 
you? 

Renie. My husband has to go to Edinburgh next 
week to give a course of lectures there. 

Dolly. Well? 

Renie. He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it 
would be perfectly sweet of you to ask me to stay 
on another fortnight here. 

Dolly. \Makes a little inovevient of indignant sur- 
prise?^ I see! 

Renie. There could be no possible harm in it now 
that you know our attachment is quite innocent and 
that you can look after me every moment. Dearest, 
you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like 
this. 

Dolly. [After a patise.] I'll think it over 

Renie. Thank you so much. 

Dolly. Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came 
just in the nick of time 

Renie. So it did. 

Dolly. You don't call this the " nick of time" ? ! 

Renie. Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect 
fever. I didn't know what to do. Well, as I listened 
to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite clear to me. 
I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure 
unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my 
ideals and aspirations! 

Dolly. But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's 
sermon about 

Renie. Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and 
aspirations. 

Dolly. Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have 



ACT I.] 20 

for Lucas. I suppose you know he makes love to 
every woman he comes across? 

Refiie. He told me he had been led into one or two 
unworthy attachments, 

Dolly. Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One 
or two! 

Rente. That was before he met me. 

Dolly. Yes, and this will be before he meets the 
next lady. 

Rente. \Looks at DOLLY severelyi\ My dear Dolly, 
with your light frivolous nature it is impossible for you 
to understand a pure and exalted attachment like ours. 
Listen! {Taking out a letter?^ This will show you his 
fine nature, his fine feelings — " From the first moment 
I saw you " 

Matt enters. 

Rente. {Putting letter in pocket.'] Well, have you had 
a pleasant walk? 

Matt. Very pleasant — and instructive. The Professor 
asked me to remind you that he's waiting for you at 
the fish-pond. 

Renie. I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all 
to myself if I don't. {Going off, to DoLLY.] Thank 
you, dear, so much for your kind invitation to stay on ! 

Dolly. Don't mention it! 

Renie. I shall try to manage it. {Exit. 

Dolly. Yes, I'm sure you will. 

Matt. Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on? 

Dolly. She wants me to invite her. But I won't 
if I can help it. {Goes to him suddenly i\ Dad! 

Matt. Well? 

Dolly. That wretched Lucas! 

Matt. What about him? 

Dolly. No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. 
So you must guess. {Pause^^ Have you guessed? 

Matt. {After a pause.'] Yes. Well, I {Begins to 

chuckle.] So Lucas is up to his old games ! 



21 [act I. 

Dolly. My own guest! Under my own roof! It's 
too horrid of him. 

Matt. [Chuckling.'] It is! It's too bad! The 
rascal! 

Dolly. Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just 
like her! 

[Matt suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a 
roar. 

Dolly. What are you laughing at? 

Matt. I've just left {Chuckling?^ I've just left 

the Professor down at the fish-pond explaining to 
Lucas all about his gray matter, and [Roars. 

Dolly. I don't see anything to laugh at. 

Matt. Twelve miles in the snow 1 say, Doll, 

we're making a splendid start for the New Year! 

[Laughing. 

Dolly. Dad! Will you please leave off? [Shaking 
his shoulder \ Will you be serious? 

Matt. Yes, my dear! [Pulliftg himself together and 
straightening his features^ Yes, I will. After all, it 's 
a serious matter. 

Dolly. It 's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood 
like this! 

Matt. It 's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. 
And it 's serious for him. If he goes and plays the 
fool, it may spoil his career — the young ass! 

Dolly. Very well, then, will you please treat it 
seriously and set to work and help me? 

Matt. How far have matters gone? 

Dolly. Oh, there 's no real harm done at present. 

Matt. How do you know? 

Dolly. Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters 
and she's talking about his pure and exalted devotion, 
and making it a lever to raise all her ideals and 
aspirations. 

Matt. [Shakes his head.'] That looks bad! That 
looks very dangerous for her. 

Dolly. Oh, no ; she knows how to take care of her- 
self. But it 's dangerous for me! 



ACT I.] 22 

Matt. How, dangerous for you? ! 

Dolly. If there's the least bit of scandal she'll con- 
trive to drag me into it! I know her so well. 

Matt. [ Walking abotit, cogitatmg.'] Yes, and we 
mustn't let Lucas make a mess of it. 

Dolly. What can we do? 

Matt. When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir 
John said something about giving Lucas an A.D.C. in 
India. I'll drive over to-morrow and ask Sir John to 
pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two! 

Dolly. That 's a good idea. But it may take some 
time? 

Matt. A week or so, perhaps more. 

Dolly. But if they find out they're going to be 
parted, it 's just this next week when there will be 
all the danger. 

Matt. That 's true. 

Dolly. They ought to be parted to-night. 

Matt. They ought! They ought! Not a doubt 
about it! Not a shadow of doubt! They ought to be 
parted to-night! 

Dolly. Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out 
of it. 

Matt. Frighten her? 

Dolly. I'll try! And you must take Lucas in 
hand 

Matt. H'm! Isn't Harry the right person ? 

Dolly. No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only 
get into a temper and muddle it. No, you must get 
Lucas to take himself off. 

Matt. Take himself off! 

Dolly. I won't have him here. You can tell him so, 
[//';«.] Be very severe with him. 

Matt. [Dubious.] H'm! 

Dolly. Take a very high tone. 

Matt. I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite 
in my line. 

Dolly. Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how 
very serious this is, don't you? 



23 [act I. 

Matt. Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. 
We'll see what a high tone will do with him. Heigho! 
Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!— Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! 

Dolly. Hush! 

Lucas and Harry enter. Lucas looks round for 
Renie. Dolly and Matt talk in ivhispers as if 
settling a plan. HARRY goes up to the collecting- 
box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off the 
label. 

Dolly. \In a very severe tone to LuCAS, who is peeping 
into conservatory.'] Are you looking for anything? 

Lucas. I was wondering whether there was any tea 
going. 

Dolly. \_Same severe tone.] The tea is not in the 
conservatory. 

Lucas. No, but I thought it might be getting on to 

the time 

Dolly. [Sa7ne tone.] The tea will be served in due 
course. 

Lucas. [Surprised at her tone.] Is anything the 
matter? 

[Dolly looks at him severely, says nothing, 

turns to Matt. Lucas looks puzzled, 

goes away, and again looks furtively into 

conservatory for Renie. 

Harry. {^Scraping away at the collecting-box.] Don't 

forget Doll — our cosy half hour after tea 

[Nodding at the writing-desk. 
Dolly. I won't forget. 

Matt. [Has come up behind HARRY, touches the 
arm he is scraping with.] Hospital for Incurables! I 
shouldn't scrape that off at present. 

CURTAIN. 




{Four or five hours pass between Acts I and 11.) 



ACT II. 

Scene: The same, on the same evening, after dinner. 
Enter Ren IE, much distressed and agitated, 
Dolly follows quickly, closes the door cautiously 
and mysteriously. 

Rente. 
[UT I don't understand. Captain Wentworth 

and I have been so little together 

Dolly. Well, my dear, there it is! My 
father is the last man to pry into other 
people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon 

his notice. And from the tone he took 

Renie. What tone? 
Dolly. He was very severe. 

Renie. [Alarmed.] But what did he say he had 
seen ? 

Dolly. He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed 

very much upset 

Renie. Upset?! 

Dolly. Perhaps I ought to say shocked. 

Renie. Shocked?! 

Dolly. And when my father is shocked it must be 

something very glaring 

Renie. [More and more alarmed^ But there hasn't 

been anything glaring 

Dolly. Well, dear, of course, you know. 



25 [ACT II. 

Renie. But I cannot imagine [Stiddenlj/.] It 

must have been that day at the stile! 

Bo/ly. Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish 
to hear 

Renie. Captain Wentworth assisted me over the 
stile 

Dolly. Well? 

Renie. That's all. He may have taken a little 
longer about it than was quite necessary, and I may 
have leaned a little heavier than the circumstances 
required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste. 

Dolly. \_Shakes her head.'] It can't have been the stile. 

Renie. Then what ? [Cudgels her brains?^ The 

dairy! 

Dolly. Very likely. Was that very — no, don't tell 
me 

Renie. There's nothing to tell. The woman at the 
farm, Mrs. 

Dolly. Biggs 

Renie. Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy. 

Dolly. Did she ask Lucas? 

Renie. He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting 
her mince pies 

Dolly. Mince pies Yes? 

Renie. While she went to get one 

Dolly. Get one 

Renie. She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds 

Dolly. No — and then? 

Renie. Captain Wentworth a 

Dolly. Respected you ! 

Renie. {Firing up.] He is always most respectful I 
In the most delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he 
implored me for one first and only kiss, and just 
as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy 
windows 

Dolly. My father often strolls that way 

Renie. But I was quite cold and correct [ Very 

anxiously.] Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron 
said? 

E 



ACT II.] 26 

Dolly. At first he was going to speak to you him- 
self, but I said, " No, that's my duty! I'm her oldest 
friend; I'll talk to her!" 

Rente. Ye — es? 

Dolly. So, at last he consented, and said: "Very 
well. Be very firm with her, because this sort of 
thing taking place under my very nose and under 
my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, 
tolerate for one moment! " 

Renie. He must have passed the dairy windows! 

Dolly. Yes. 

Renie. And jumped to a wrong conclusion. 

Dolly. Yes. And that isn't the worst 

Renie. \Freshly alarvied?^ Not the worst? ! 

Dolly. Now, don't be alarmed, dear 

Renie. About what? 

Dolly. Didn't you notice something strange in your 
husband's manner at dinner? 

Renie. No. What makes you think ? 

Dolly. My dear, if my father noticed it, why not 
your husband? Suppose all this time the Professor 
has been quietly, stealthily watching you and Lucas. 

Renie. [Alarmed.] Dolly! 

Dolly. And waiting his time 

Renie. Oh, Dolly! 

Dolly. Didn't you notice how he insisted on your 
going to the fish-pond? 

Renie. Yes, he did! 

Dolly. Didn't it strike you there was something in 
that? 

Renie. No, and he hasn't said anything 

Dolly. Of course not. Naturally he would hide his 
suspicions from you till the right moment. 

Renie. Right moment? 

Dolly. Now, dear, you see how serious things are. 
You mustn't run any more risks. This must be broken 
off to-night. 

Renie. To-night?! 

Dolly. Now, what can I do to help you? 



27 [act n. 

Reiiie. You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing 
in the dairy windows. 

Dolly. Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw 

Renie. But there was nothing. Absolutely no- 
thing 

Dolly. No, dear. What else can I do? 

Renie. Could you find out exactly how much he 
has seen and heard, and — a — pump him a little? 

Dolly. I don't like pumping people — still— What 
else? 

Renie. {Breaking down.'] Oh, Dolly, this blow could 
not have fallen at a more cruel moment. 

Dolly. No, dear. 

Renie. It came just when I had lost all the illusions 
of girlhood, when all my woman's nature began to 
cry out 

Dolly. Yes— [Suddenly.] Hark! [Listens.] Hush! 

[Creeps up to door., listens, opens it, looks out, 
closes it again. 

Renie. What was it? 

Dolly. Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas 
and the Professor quarrelling, 

Renie. I really don't think my husband sus- 
pects 

Dolly. No, I daresay it 's only my imagination. 

Renie. And if he did — Dolly, is there one man 
living, except my husband, who would condemn me 
for being the object of a noble, single-hearted devotion 
like Captain Wentworth's? 

Dolly. No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as 
husbands they take quite a different view of things 
from what they do merely as men. 

Renie. Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing 
wrong in it, do you? 

Dolly. Well, dear, when you say wrong 

Renie. But I assure you there isn't — nothing could 
be further from my thoughts. 

Dolly. No, dear — still, people are so full of prejudice 
— now what can I do? 



ACT II.] 28 

Renie. Oh, Dolly, you can help me so much. 

Dolly. [A little alarmed?^ Can I? Tell me 

Renie. If Lucas and I are parted \Breaks down.] 

I can't bear it! I can't bear it! 

Dolly. Try, dear! Try! 

Renie. \_Sobbing.'\ I will. And if at any time I long 
to hear how he bears our separation, you won't mind 
receiving a letter, and sending it on to me ? 

Dolly. I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, 
I'm so careless, and if I left the letter about, and 
Harry found- it — no, dear 

Renie. You won't help me? 

Dolly. Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! 
[Suddenly.] I'll tell you what I can do! 

Renie. Yes? 

Dolly. My father is telling Lucas he must leave to- 
night. Well, I can spare you all the pain and misery 
of saying " Good-bye," and take one last message to 
him. 

Renie. [Curtly.'] No, thank you. It's most unkind 
of you to send him away like this. I must see him 
alone before he goes, 

Dolly. [Shakes her head.] My father insists, and 
suppose Lucas feels that he owes it to your reputa- 
tion to go quietly 

Renie. Without seeing me?! 

Dolly. And suppose the Professor is really watch- 
ing you 

[Renie shows great perplexity. Dolly is 
watching her. 

Dolly. If you don't see Lucas, what message shall 
I take him? 

Renie. Tell him how proud I am of his noble, un- 
selfish devotion; tell him I shall always look upon 
it as the one supreme happiness of my life to have 
known him — tell him that 



29 [act II. 



The Professor «;?^ Matthew enter. The Professor 
has diagrams and illustrations in his hand. Follow- 
ing the Professor and Matt are Harry and 
Lucas. Lucas, after a little time, comes up to 
Dolly and Renie, who are seated on sofa. The 
Professor is speaking to Matt as he enters, and 
is showing him an illustration. 

Prof. [In his hard, metallic voice.] Observe that 
woman's facial angle — [pointing] the peculiar curve 
of the lip, and the irregular formation of the nose. 

[Desc7'ibing a little upward curve on the paper 
with his thumb. 
Matt. I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and 
noses. 

[Describing the same little upward curve with 
his thumb on the paper. 
Prof Can you be surprised at her history? 
Matt. Who was she? 

Prof Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. 
Looking at that woman's cranium I maintain it was 

impossible for her to avoid 

Matt. Committing trigamy? 

Prof. Well,some species of grave moral delinquency. 

[Dolly clutches Renie's wrist significantly. 

The Professor hands the illustration to 

Harry, who examines it. Matt moves 

away a step and unobtrusively feels his 

own nose and forehead. 

Harry. [Has examined the illustration^ By Jove, 

yes— anybody can see she was bound to come a moral 

cropper, eh? 

[He hands the illustration to DOLLY, ivho 
passes it to Renie, with a very signifi- 
cant glance, pointing out something on the 
paper. LuCAS leans over the back of the 
sofa between Renie and DOLLY to look 



ACT II.] 30 

at the illustration. A s he leans on the back 
of the sofa, DOLLY draws herself up very 
indignantly, gives him a severe look; 
moves a little away from him, sits ajtd 
looks very severely in front of her. He 
cannot understand her attitude, draws 
back a little and looks puzzled. 
Prof. \Bringing out another illustration, offering it 
to Matt.] Now look at this. 
Matt. Somebody's brains! 
Prof Tell fne if you notice anything peculiar. 

[Harry leans over Matt's shoulder, and 

looks at the illustration. LuCAS again 

leans over the sofa, between DOLLY and 

Renie. Dolly again moves a little 

further away from him with another 

indignant look. LuCAS is again puzzled, 

^ but bends and looks over the illustration 

in Rente's hands. 

Lucas. So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane 

was bound to come a moral cropper, I'm very glad I 

wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with Jane, eh, 

Dolly? {Very pleasantly. 

Dolly. [ Very severely?^ I should scarcely have 

thought you troubled whom you came a moral 

cropper with ! 

\^Looks at him severely, goes up to writing- 
desk, seats herself and writes letter. He 
feels himself snubbed, and moves a step 
or two back, stands and looks puzzled. 
Professor has been critically regai-ding 
Matt and Harry, who have been look- 
ing at the illustration. 
Prof. Well, does anything strike you? 
Matt. No. \Holding it out.] Looks rather pulpy — 

rather — a — squashy 

Pf'of Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery 
condition of that gray matter. What is the inevitable 
consequence? 



31 [act II. 

Matt. I couldn't quite say — whom did that gray 
matter belong to? 
Prof. Harriet Poy. 

Matt. I don't remember Harriet 

Prof. The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire 
to her mother's bed. At twelve was found saturating 
blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired three hay- 
ricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' 
imprisonment. 

Matt. Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray 

matter went and got watery 

Prof. Just so! I maintain that with her gray 
matter in that condition it was a stupid crime to send 
her to prison. 

Dolly. But what are we to do with people whose 
gray matter goes wrong? 

Prof. I propose to deal with that question at Edin- 
burgh. [/"(^ Matt.] You might, perhaps, care to run 

down to Edinburgh for my lectures 

Matt. I should love it above all things; but the fact 

is, I'm so thoroughly of your opinion 

Prof Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced 
you. 

Matt. Completely. All my life I've been doing 
things I should never have dreamed of doing if my gray 
matter had done its duty and not got watery. 

Harry. Yes, when you come to think of all the 
rotten things you find yourself doing, you feel, by 

Jove 

\^Suddenly recalls that he has said " by Jove," 

pulls sixpence out of his pocket and drops 

it in the box. 

J/^t?//. Bravo, Harry! {^Patting him. 

Harry. Oh, I mean it! — Professor, isn't it time for 

our hundred up? 

Prof. \Taking out watch.'] In two minutes. 
Harry. I'll go and get the table ready. [Going up 
to door.] Doll, \_taps the writing-desk] you put it off 
after tea — by-and-by, you know! 



ACT II.] 32 

Dolly. \She has finished letter, has risen, and closed 
writing-desk^ By-and-by. 

Harry. Before we go to bed — don't forget. 
Dolly. Oh, I sha'n't forget. 

{^Makes a wry face. Exit Harry. 
Prof. Renie, you were complaining of headache. 
It would be wise to take a short stroll in the cool air. 
Renie. Oh, very well. 

Prof. Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not 
longer. 

l^Exit. Dolly, unseen by Renie and LuCAS, 
slips the note she lias been writing into 
Matt's hands. He takes it down stage, 
right, and reads it. Renie and LuCAS 
have been talking, apart; they move towards 
the door to get out, but DOLLY is stand- 
ing in the way of their exit. 
Dolly. Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come 
with you. 

Renie. But Captain Wentworth has offered 

Dolly. I've a splitting headache — I must get a little 
air. And Dad wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't' 
you? 

Matt. If he can spare five minutes. 
Lucas. Won't by-and-by be just as convenient? 
Dolly. \^Facing'L\}Ch.S, speaking firmly^ No, by-and- 
by will not be just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll 
leave them together. 

[Gets Renie off, turns, looks daggers at 

Lucas, goes off after Renie, closes door 

in his face. He opens it, and goes after 

her. 

Lucas. I say, Doll, what 's up? [Follows her off.] 

What's the matter? 

Matt. [Reading DOLLY'S note.] " Be very severe 
with him. Make a great point of the dairy windows. 
He'll understand." Dairy windows? 

[Ptits the note in his pocket, as LuCAS re-enters, 
puzzled and disappointed. 



33 [ACT II. 

Lucas. I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. 
She has done nothing but snub me all the evening. 

Matt. [^Looking at him sternly.'] So I should imagine! 

Lucas. \_S tar tied by his manner?^ I say, have I done 
anything? 

Matt. Done anything! I'm a man of the world! 
nobody can accuse me of being strait-laced, and 
therefore I suppose you think you can come here and 
set at defiance all the it's disgraceful! 

Lucas. Would you mind telling me what you're 
hinting at? 

Matt. I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out 
very plainly, and I tell you that I look upon your 
conduct as something — something atrocious! 

Lucas. I say, Uncle, what's all this about? 

Matt. What's it about? What's it about? It's 
about the dairy windows! 

Lucas. Then it was you — phew! — so it was you? 

Matt. Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand 
there and tell me you aren't thoroughly, completely, 
heartily ashamed of yourself? 

Lucas. Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't 
so very bad ■ 

Matt. Not bad?! 

Lucas. Well, not so d — ee — d awful. 

Matt. \Regards him for a few moments^ Well, I'm 
astonished! If you don't consider your behaviour 
d — ee — d awful, will you please find me some word 
that will describe it? 

Lucas. You know you're putting a much worse con- 
struction on this than the necessities of the case demand. 

Matt. What?! 

Lucas. I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. 
Biggs wasn't out of the dairy three minutes, and you 
were hanging about the windows all the time. 

Matt. I was hanging about the windows? 

Lucas. Yes, and I must say that when you saw two 
people engaged in an interesting conversation the 
least you could do was to pass on and take no notice. 
F 



ACT II.] 34 

Matt. " Interesting conversation"? ! 

Lucas. Well, what did you call it? If it comes to 
that, what do you accuse me of? 

Matt. Well, here you are, on the first day of the 
year, after listening to a most eloquent sermon, after 
making a solemn resolution to give up all your bad 
habits 

Lucas. Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't 
mean to give up all my bad habits. And I don't call 
this a bad habit. 

Matt. You ' don't call making love to a married 
woman a bad habit? ! 

Lucas. Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. 
But it isn't a bad habit in the sense that other bad 
habits are bad habits. Look at all the decent chaps 
who've been led into it! 

Matt. That doesn't excuse you. And if you think 
that I'm going to countenance your conduct, you are 
very much mistaken in your estimate of my character. 

Lucas. [ Very quietly.'] May I ask you one simple 
question? 

Matt. Well? 

Lucas. When you were my age, if you found your- 
self alone in a dairy with a good-looking woman, and 
she was good for a dozen kisses or so, wouldn't you 
have taken advantage of it? 

Matt. No! 

Lucas. Not at my age? 

Matt. No — no 

Lucas. Well, what would you have done? 

Matt. I should have summoned all my resolution 

Lucas. Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no 
humbug! Man to man! 

Matt. Well, I don't say that at your age I might 
not have been tempted — and of course we must all go 
through a certain amount of experience, or how should 
we be able to advise you youngsters? 

Lucas. I say, no confounded nonsense — your uncle 
Archie 



35 [ACT II. 

Matt. Dear old chap ! 

Lucas. What use did you make of his advice? 

Matt. Well, I remember his talking to me very 
seriously — I suppose I was about your age — did I 
ever tell you, Lucas, [/«^'^■;^^LuCAS'S arm affectionately] 
about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge 
Seaforth? 

Lucas. No. 

Matt. And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at 
night? 

Lucas. No. 

Matt. Forty-eight miles one glorious May night ! 
I let her beat me! God bless her! I let her beat me! And 
just as the sun rose we caught sight of Salisbury spire. 

Lucas. Sounds rather jolly! 

Matt. Jolly? Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! 
Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what you like, there's 
nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you 
about Mrs. — never mind her name — dressing up as a 
widow. 

Lucas. No? 

Matt. Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver— I can 
see her face, as she stepped out of the cupboard, 
with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest black 
eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!— Sad! 
Sad!! Sad!!! Come, come, Lucas! This won't do! This 
will never do! Now to get back to this business of 
yours 

Lucas, Well 

Matt. When I was your guardian I let you have a 
pretty good fling? 

Lucas. You did! 

Matt. The pace was rather scorching, wasn't it? 

Lucas. Rather! 

Matt. I never pulled you up, did I? 

Lucas. No, and I'm grateful. 

{^Shaking hands very cordially. 

Matt. That 's all right. Now, old chap, you've got 
to pull up! 



ACT II.] 36 

Lucas. Pull up? 

Matt. Short. This Mrs. Sturgess — Dolly says there's 
a lot of nonsense going on, gushing letters and so 
on, — damned silly thing writing -letters, Lu 

Lucas. Yes, I know. 

Matt. Well, what do you do it for? 

Lucas. I don't know. 

Matt. You're seeing her every day. If you must 
carry on this tomfoolery, why not do it by word of 
mouth? Why write it down, to show what an ass you've 
been? 

Lucas. I'm sure I don't know. 

Matt. Do you know why you 're carrying on with 
her at all? 

Lucas. Well, she 's a good-looking woman, and 
naturally a chap — naturally 

Matt. You 're either in love with her, or you aren't? 

Lucas. I can't say I'm exactly in love with her 

Matt. Then why are you making love to her? 

Lucas. Well, naturally a chap — naturally — I don't 
know that I ain't a bit in love with her. 

Matt. Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't 
in love with her you're a fool to risk a scandal. 
If you are in love you '11 most likely do some silly 
jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, 
eh? 

Lucas. Well, when you look at it that way 

Matt. Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a 
married woman, and you're here as a guest — it isn't 
the right thing to do, is it? 

Lucas. No, it isn't. 

Matt. Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut 
it! You will? 

Lucas. I've got to, I suppose. 

Matt. Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave 
it to you hot and strong, and you're going to clear 
out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess again 

Lucas. Not see her again? 

Matt. Isn't that what you mean to do? 



37 [act II. 

Lucas. Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at 
the dairy windows? 
Matt. I didn't see anything at all ! 
Lucas. Nothing at all? 
Matt. I wasn't there! 

Lucas. Then how ? 

Matt. Dolly put me up to it. [I^aughs at hhn. 

Lucas. Dolly? 



Dolly enters with a cloak which she throws on chair. 

Matt. Ah, Doll 

Dolly. [Looking severely at LuCAS.] Have you 
spoken to him .? 

Matt. Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he 's 
going to do the right thing and clear out, aren't you, 
Lucas? 

Lucas. [A little unwillingly.'] Yes. 

Matt. Good chap! Good chap! 

Dolly. [Still a little severe.] I'm pleased to hear it. 
[To Lucas.] You've behaved in a most scandalous 

Matt. He has. I've toM him all that. [Winks at 
Dolly to keep her guiet.] And he sees it quite 
plainly, don't you.? [ Winks at LuCAS to prompt him. 

Dolly. Then it 's quite broken off? 

Matt. Quite! Isn't it, Lu? 

Lucas. Yes, I suppose. I should like to say 

Dolly. Yes? 

Lucas. That nothing has taken place which, if rightly 
looked at, could reflect discredit either upon the lady, 
or, I hope, upon myself. And secondly, whatever 
fault there may have been, is entirely mine. 

Matt. That's satisfactory! It always ought to be 
the man's fault. Heaven forbid it should ever be 
their's. Good chap! Good chap! [Patting him.] 
Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good- 
night! [T>Ol.l.Y rings bell. 



ACT II.] 38 

Lucas. [Siirprised.'l Good-night?! 

Dolly. Good-night, and good-bye! 

{Holding out her hand. 

Lucas. You aren't going to turn me out to-night! 

Dolly. You said it was quite broken off. 

Lucas. Yes, but \turns to Matt with appealing 

gesturel Uncle, you didn't mean to pack me off like 
this 

Matt. Yes, my boy ! Remember the occasion. First 
day of the New Year. Take time by the forelock. Off 
you go! 

[Taking him by the shoulder and trying to 
to get him off. 

Lucas. \Resistingl\ Oh no! I don't see it in that 
light at all, {Sinks comfortably into arm-chair. 

Griddle appears at door. 

Dolly. Griddle, please have Gaptain Wentworth's 
portmanteau taken to the billiard-room, 
• Criddle. Yes, ma'am. 

Dolly. He wishes to change there, and please send 
to the Red Lion and ask them to have Gaptain 
Wentworth's horse saddled. 

Criddle. Yes, ma'am. 

Lucas. Griddle, what 's the weather like? 

Criddle. It 's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were 
going to have another heavy fall of snow, 

Lucas. I don't think I'll go to-night, Griddle, If I 
want the gee saddled, I'll go and tell them myself, 

Criddle. Yes, sir, {Exit. 

Lucas. {In arm-chair^ I say, Dolly, you don't really 
expect me to go careering over that heath at this 
ungodly hour? 

Dolly. You can't stay here. Renie is very much 
upset; she has had hysterics. So I've put her in the 
spare room, 

Lucas. Well, you can give me a shake-down some- 
where — in the billiard-room. 



39 [ACT II. 

Dolly. [Shakes her head.'] I can't ask the servants 
to make up impossible beds in impossible places at 
this hour. 

Lucas. I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll. 
Dolly. Unfair? 

Lucas. Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution 
to do the right thing, and avoid ructions for your 
sake, you pounce down on me, and order me off the 

premises, and 

Dolly. {Getting angry.] If you don't behave your- 
self and go off quietly, I shall have to order you off 
the premises. 

[Makes an appeal by gesture to MATT to get 
him off. 
Matt. Now, my hero! [Lifting him out of the arm- 
chair.] Buckle on your armour! Sally forth! Once 
more unto the breach! 

[ With some difficulty he raises LuCAS out of 
the chair. 
Lucas. Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. 
[Goes sulkily up to door.] Mind you, if you turn me 

out I won't be responsible if there's a flare-up 

Dolly. Very well, so long as we don't have a flare- 
up here. Oh! [Rings the bell again. 
Lucas. [Goes off, sulky, muttering.] Of all the — 
turning me out — beastly infernal nuisance! 

[Exit grumbling. 
Dolly. It would serve them both right if there was 
to be a flare-up — only I'm sure she'd drag me into it 
somehow. [Criddle appears at door.] Please send and 
ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain Went- 
worth's horse and send it here at once. 

Criddle. Yes, ma'am. [Exit. 

Dolly. Lucas is going to behave as badly over this 

as he did over the governess. Dad ! 

Matt. Well? 

Dolly. Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely 
he — he isn't a fair sample? 



ACT II.] 40 

Matt. Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional — 
quite exceptional. 

Dolly. I thought so! They can't all be 

Matt. Oh no! I'm glad to say 

Dolly. I'm determined he shall go to-night. 

Lucas re-enters. 

Lucas. I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at 
the weather. 

Dolly. What for? 

Lucas. There 's a great black cloud — it 's going to 
come down ! ' 

Dolly. \Enraged?[ I don't care if the heavens come 
down! You're going back to Aldershot to-night. 

Lucas. But I tell you {^Appeals to Matt.] It 's 

simply impossible for me to ride across that heath 

Matt. But you rode across it last night in a howl- 
ing snowstorm 

Lucas. Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, 
thank you! No! i don't mind shaking down anywhere 

to oblige 

\He is about to drop again into the arm-chair^ 
but Matt gently pushes him aside and 
drops into the chair himself. 

Liicas. {Going to so/a.] Anywhere to oblige ! 

[Drops comfortably on to sofa. 

Dolly. \Comes up to him finally?] Lucas, this is 
abominable! I suppose you think because we treated 
you so leniently over that wretched governess 

Lucas. Well, I thought you were pretty deuced 
hard down on us 

Z>^//^. What?! Oh! [Appeals to Wkyt. 

Lucas. I didn't mind your slanging me, but you 
might have had a little consideration for her feelings, 
because, after all, she was one of your own sex ! 

Dolly. My own sex! The minx! 

Lucas. And an orphan! 

Dolly. Orphan! {To Matt.] Go and speak to him! 
Go and speak to him ! 



41 [act II. 

Matt. Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! 
You promised to take yourself off. 

Lucas. [Comfortably seated.] Well, I will take myself 
off, only let me take myself off in my own way. 

Dolly. It's useless your staying! Renie won't see 
you again. 

Lucas. Won't she? 

Dolly. No. She gave me a last message for you 

Lucas. Did she? Why didn't you give it to me? 

Dolly. If I tell you, will you take yourself off? 

Lucas. Yes, of course. What was her last message? 

Dolly. She said " She should always value your 
noble devotion, and be proud that she had known 
you ; but you must see how hopeless it was, and that 
she trusted you would go away at once and leave her 
to respect you, as you had always respected her! " 

Matt. A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does 
her great credit. Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy! 
[Lifts him up off sofa. LuCAS gets up very 
reluctantly. 

Lucas. Well, if I must go — good-night! 

Matt. Good-night. [Shaking hands.] I may see you 
to-morrow afternoon. 

Lucas. Where? 

Matt. I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir 
John. I shall look you up 

Lucas. I may not be there in the afternoon 

Dolly. Lucas, you're coming over here 

Lucas. No — no; I'm not You shouldn't suspect me 
like that. 

Dolly. It won't be the least use your coming 

Lucas. I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll 

Dolly. Good-bye. [Shaking hands. 

Lucas. [Ls going up to door slowly and reluctantly^ 
turns.] I suppose if I were to give you my solemn 
promise I wouldn't see her, I couldn't shake down on 
that sofa. 

Dolly. [Sternly and decisively^ No! 

Lucas. [Goes a few 7nore steps towards door, turns?] 
G 



ACT II.] 42 

I suppose I couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [DOLLY looks 
indignant^ Only to say good-bye. 

Dolly. No! She was nearly undressed when I left 
her. She's asleep by now! 

Enter Renie fully dressed, looking very interesting and 
tearful Throughout the scene she preserves the air 
of a martyr. 

Dolly. {Indignantly^ Renie, you promised me you 
wouldn't come downstairs again! 

Renie. Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under 
your father's unjust suspicions. {Goes to MATT, seizes 
his hand sympathetically^ Dolly tells me you have 
been watching the friendship that all unconsciously 
has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and my- 
self 

Matt. \Uncomfortahlei\ Not exactly watching 

Re?iie. I feel you may have seen, or guessed some- 
thing, that has given you a wrong impression. 

Matt. No, no! I assure you 

Renie. If you have, I beg you to speak out and give 
us a chance of defending ourselves. Tell us exactly 

what you have seen, and what you suspect 

Matt. My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen any- 
thing, and I don't suspect anything. 
Renie. You really mean that? 

Matt. Yes— yes 

Renie. {Clasping his hand eagerly.'] Thank you so 
much. Friendship between a man and a woman is so 
misunderstood. 
Matt. It is. 

Dolly. Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess 
here which we all misunderstood — till afterwards. 

Lucas. I say, Dolly, don't you 

Renie. Now that there is no chance of your mis- 
judging our friendship, I don't mind saying {Shows 

signs of breaking down.] You won't misunderstand me? 

{Clinging to his hand. 



43 [ACT II. 

Matt. No, no! 

Rente. My life has not been altogether a happy 
one. 

Matt. I'm sure it hasn't! 

Rente. Under other circumstances — let that pass! 
[ Wrings Matt's hands.'] Thank you, thank you ! 
Captain Wentworth, I shall always be proud to have 
known you. 

Dolly. I've told him all that! 

[Matt hushes Dolly with a gesture. 

Renie. I shall always cherish the memory of our 
friendship, but it might be misunderstood, and so 
\breaki71g down, but bearing up with an effort], you will 
behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be, 
and say good-bye to me for ever! 

Matt. Nobly spoken I Very nobly spoken indeed ! 

Lucas. Well, if you insist 

Renie. I do! Good-bye forever! 

Lucas. Good-bye. [They have a long hand-shake. 

Renie. Good-bye. 

[ Tears herself away from him and tragically 
throws herself on sofa. LuCAS follows 
her up. 

Lucas. I say, Mrs. Sturgess 

Renie. [Moans.] Go, go! In pity's name don't make 
it harder for me! 

Matt. In pity's name don't make it harder for her. 

Dolly. [Looking off at door.] They'll be coming out 
of the billiard-room directly. 

Matt. Now, Lucas 



Griddle appears at door. 

Criddle. Your horse is waiting for you, sir. 

Lucas. My horse?! 

Criddle. Yes, sir, just outside. 

Lucas. What on earth do they mean? A valuable 
horse like that — standing about on a night like this — 
who told them? 



ACT II.] 44 

■ Dolly. I did. The horse is waiting to take you back 
to Aldershot. 

Lucas. I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. 
\Pointing to his dress-clothes. '\ Tell them to take it 
back to the Red Lion! 

Dolly. And Criddle, give the man Captain Went- 
worth's portmanteau to take to the Red Lion at the 
same time; and send Peters to me at once. 

Criddle. Yes, ma'am. {Exit. 

Lucas. {Gnimbling.'] Well, of all Good-bye Mrs. 

Sturgess. , 

Dolly. You've said good-bye 

Renie. {Still tragic on so/a.] Farewell — for ever! 

Lucas. Good-night, Dolly! 

Dolly. Farewell — for a good long time. 

{Shaking hands. 

Lucas. Good-night, Uncle. 

Matt. Good-night, Lucas. {Shaking hands. 

Lucas. {Ttirns at door.] Happen to have your cigar- 
case handy? [Matt takes out cigar-case, offers it. 

Lucas. Could you spare two? 

Matt. Certainly! 

Lucas. I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if 
you don't mind. 

Matt. Do! 

Lucas. Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody. 

[Matt gets Lucas off, closes door after him. 

Renie. {Rouses herself from sofa.] Has he gone? Is 
it all over? 

Dolly. I hope so. 

Renie. {Goes to Matt impulsively — and seises his 
hand.] At least this bitter experience has gained me 
one true friend. 

Matt. {Embarrassed.] Yes 

Renie. { Wrings his hand in gratitude?^ Thank you 

so much 

{He gets away from her and shows relief; 
takes out cigar and prepares to light it. 

Renie. {Standi?ig in the middle of the room pitying 



45 [act II. 

herself ?[ That's where we get the worst of it, we 
women who have hearts! We must feel, we must show 
our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the 
fight. Oh, Dolly, how I envy you your nature! 

Dolly. [ Vejy chilly?^ Are you going into the spare 
room, dear? 

Rente. Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room! 

Peters appears at door. 

Dolly. Peters, will you bank up the fire in the 
spare room and make everything comfortable for 
Mrs. Sturgess? 

Peters. Yes, ma'am. \Exit. 

Rente. [Still in the middle of the room^ pitying 
herself i\ So my poor little tragedy is ended! 

\To Matt. 
Matt. Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are 
broken ! 

Renie. No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I 
must bear it. [With a weary smile.'] Mustn't I? 
Matt. I'm afraid you must. 

Renie. Good-night! [Wrings his Jiand with grati- 
tude^ Good-night! 
Matt. Good -night. 

[Gets away from her, atid busies himself with 
his cigar, lights it. 
Renie. Good-night, Dolly! 

Dolly. I'll come up with you, and stay till you're 
quite comfortable. 

Renie. Shall I ever be comfortable again ? Will 
things ever be the same? I wonder! 

[Goes off mournfully and tragically with a 
prolonged sigh. Matt creeps up and 
closes door. 
Dolly. [Calls his attention to Renie's exit and makes 
a furious gesture after her ^ I know she'll be here next 
Christmas! [Marches down enraged to Matt and re- 
peats iti an angry, aggrieved way, emphasising each 



ACT II.] 46 

word.] I know that woman will be here next Christ- 
mas! 

Matt. [Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper.] 

I daresay she will 

[Dolly marches indignantly and decisively 
to door and exit. 



CURTAIN. 




{Half an hour passes between Acts II and III.) 



ACT III. 

Scene: The same. Discover Matt in the same seat 
and attitude, with paper and cigar. DOLLY enters. 

Matt. 
lELL?? 

Dolly. I've had an awful time with 

her 

Matt. How? 

Dolly. First she had another fit of hysterics — 
then she longed to go out into the night air to cool 
her fevered brow — then she moaned out something 

about her noble Lucas 

Matt. And now? 

Dolly. I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. 
I've got her off my hands at last. 
Matt. That 's a com.fort. 
Dolly. Dad! 
Matt. Yes. 

Dolly. I won't have her here next Christmas. 
Matt. No, I wouldn't. 

Dolly. [Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, 
emphasizing each syllable.] Whatever happens, I will 
not have that woman in my house next Christmas. 
You hear that? 

Matt. Yes. You won't have her here next Christ- 



ACT in.] 48 

Dolly. I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas 
here again for a very long time. 

Matt. I wouldn't. 

Dolly. Dad, please put away that paper. You're 
going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas 
exchanged? 

Matt. I'll try. 



Peters appears at door. 

Dolly. Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess 
comfortable? 

Peters. I'm trying to, ma'am. 

Dolly. Is she in bed yet? 

Peters. No, ma'am. 

Dolly. Not in bed ! 

Peters. No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter. 

Dolly. She let you undress her, I suppose? 

Peters. I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her 
brain is still throbbing. 

Dolly. Throbbing! 

Peters. And could you lend her your hop-pillow? 

Dolly. You'll find it in my wardrobe. 

Peters. Yes, ma'am. 

Dolly. Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and 
insist on undressing her 

Peters. Yes, ma'am. 

Dolly. Don't leave her till you've seen her comfort- 
ably in bed. 

Peters. No, ma'am. 

\Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of 
hail on the conservatory window. 

Matt. Whew! The New Year means business! 

Dolly. And so do I, as Lucas will find out. 

Matt. He is finding it out, on that heath! 

Dolly. Yes! \With a little laugh?^ Ha! ha! {A 
louder gust and rattle of kail.'] Listen! Listen! Ha! 



49 [ACT III. 

And he might have been here playing a comfortable 
rubber by the fire — if he'd simply behaved himself! 

Matt. If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we 
all miss through not "simply behaving" ourselves, 

\A nother gust. 

Dolly. [Laughs.'] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist 
on Renie driving out with me to-morrow afternoon. 

Alatt. Yes. 

Dolly. Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be 
another sell for him — [A^iothev furious gust and rattle^ 
Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how far Lucas has got! 

\A noise of something being knocked over in 
the conservatory y which is lighted. 

Matt. [Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is 
startled?^ Hillo! hillo! 



Lucas enters from the upper conservatory door in 
riding- clothes of first Act. 

Dolly. [Enraged?^ Lucas! How dare you?! 

Lucas. It's all right — don't make a fuss! 

Dolly. [Furious^ Why aren't you on the way to 
Aldershot? 

Lucas. I didn't like the look of the weather! I 
didn't like the look of it one little bit! So I got them 
to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion 

Dolly. [Indignantly.] Shake-down at the Red Lion ! 

Lucas. Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so 
black! I asked you first, to let me have a shake-down 
here — on that sofa 

Dolly. But why have you come ba.ck here? 

Lucas. Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle 
Matt gave me. I put them carefully in my side pocket, 
and when I got down to the Red Lion, lo and behold, 
they weren't there! 

Dolly. You could have got a cigar at the Red 
Lion 

Lucas. [Turns to M.m:t for sympathy.] I could have 



ACT III.] 50 

got a cigar at the Red Lion! [To Dolly.'] No, thank 
you! So I thought I'd just stroll up here in the 
hope 

Dolly. In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But 
she 's safely in bed this time, and there 's no possible 
chance of your seeing her. 

Lucas. In the hope of getting Harry to give me a 
decent smoke. Well, I came into the Hall and not 
wishing to rile you by my hated presence — I slipped 
into the conservatory 

Eftter Harry. 

Harry. \_Stirprised at the riding-clothes i\ Hillo, Lu, 
going back to Aldershot to-night? 

Lucas. No, not unless the weather takes a turn. 
No, Dolly said that as the spare room was occupied, 
would I mind getting a shake-down at the Red Lion. 
So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I 
cadge a cigar? 

Harry. Yes, old fellow. {Taking out cigar-case. 

Dolly. {Intercepting?^ You said I should take charge 
of your cigars, in case you should be tempted to smoke 
more than two a day 

Harry. By Jove, I forgot all about two a day — 
I've been smoking all day. Here, Lu ! {About to throiv 
cigar-case to LuCAS.] You'd better take the lot and 
keep me out of temptation! 

Dolly. No! I'll take charge of that, please. 

{Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at LuCAS, 
goes to writing-desk, puts it in. 

Peters appears at door. 

Peters. I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess 

Dolly. What about her? 

Peters. When I got back with the hop-pillow she 
wasn't there. I've looked all over the house, and I 
can't find her anywhere. 



51 [ACT III. 



Renie enters, fully dressed from conservatory, veiy 
languidly, with handkerchief and smelling-salts. 
Peters goes off. 

Dolly. Renie! 

\Looks at Matt, who is inclined to laugh, 
checks it, shrugs his shoulders and goes 
over to fire. 

Renie. My head was racking, I had to rush out — 
I've been pacing up and down under the veranda, 
up and down, up and down, up and down — [DOLLY 
snakes a little grimace of angry incredulity'\ it's a little 
easier now, so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try 
to get some sleep. 

Dolly. Yes, I would. 

Renie. Good-night, dear. 

Dolly. [Severely.] Good-night once more. 

Renie. Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [Offering hand. 

Harry. Good-night, I'm awfully sorry 

Renie. [ With her weary smile.'] Oh, it 's only a head- 
ache. I can bear it. Thank you for your sympathy. 
[ Wringing his hand in fervent gratitude^ Good-night, 
Mr. Barron. 

Matt. Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more 
little tragedies, eh? 

Renie. [Very fervently^ I hope not, oh, I hope not! 
[To Lucas very casually and distantly ^^ Good-night, 
Captain Wentworth. 

Lucas. [Same tone.] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess. 

[Exit Renie. Peters is seen to join her in 
the hall. A little pause. 

Lucas. Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. 
Good-night, Dolly. [DOLLY looks at him, furious, 
turns away. Harry looks a little surprised^ Good- 
night, Harry. 

Harry. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to 



ACT III.] 52 

turn out on a night like this. Dolly, can't we give 
him a shake-down ? 

Dolly. No! 

[Harry shows surprise at her tone. A little 
pause of emb arras S7nent. 

Lucas. Good-night, Uncle Matt. 

Matt. [Comes up to him, in a low voice.] Cut it, my 
dear lad. Cut it! That 's understood? 

Lucas. Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, 
once more. \She doesn't reply.'] Oh well, if you're 
going on the rampage — {^Goes off muttering.] Infernal 
nuisance — night like this [Exit. 

Harry. Is anything the matter? 

Dolly. Lucas has offended me very much. I don't 
wish to speak of it. 



The Professor enters at back. 

Matt. Well, who was the victor? 

Harry. The Professor won all four games. 

Prof. I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke 
at billiards to my increased nerve force, now I have 
made Pableine my staple article of diet in place of 
meat. 

Matt. Flies to the gray matter, eh? 

Prof. Instantaneously. 

Matt. Good stuff! 

Prof I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to 
your room? 

Matt. Will you? That will be kind! 



C RIDDLE appears at door. 

Criddle. I've put the spirits in the hall, sir. 

Harry. You can take them away, Criddle. In the 
future we sha'n't require spirits at night, only soda 
water and tea. 

Criddle. Yes, sir. \Exit 



53 [act III. 

Dolly. [ Who has been sitting wem'ily on sofa, rises.'] 
Well, I'm going to bed. 

Harry. You forget, dear. 

Dolly. What? [HARRY taps the writing-desk.'] Oh, 
my dear Harry, we won't go into them to-night. 

Harry. Yes, my dear, if you please. [ 'Very firmly. 
Dolly makes an impatient gesture and pouts.] Please 
don't look like that. If I'm to help you in paying off 
these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all. 

Dolly. Oh, very well, but ^Sits down wearily. 

Prof. [Taking out watch.] Five minutes past my 
usual hour. 

Dolly. Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've 
put her in the spare room. 

Prof. Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I 
can never get her to see that life can yield us no real 
satisfaction unless we regulate all our actions to the 
most minute point. Good-night. 

Dolly. Good-night! {^Shaking hands. 

Prof. Good-night, Telfer. 

Harry. Good-night. \_Shaking hands 

Matt. Good-night, Harry. 

Harry. Good-night, Dad. \_Shaking hands. 

Matt. [To Dolly.] Night-night, dear. 

Dolly. Night-night, dad. {Kissing him. 

Prof. {Has been waiting at door.] I might perhaps 
show you the precise way of mixing the Pableine. 

Matt. If you don't mind! What's the dose? 

Prof. Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I 
have taken as much as four tablespoonfuls. 

Matt. Wasn't that rather — going it? 

Prof. No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very 
slight beany flavour. 

Matt. Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, 
to brace up good resolutions. Come along! I'll have a 
regular night-cap of it. {Exetint Matt <a:?/<a^ Professor. 

Harry. Now we can have our cosy half hour. 

Dolly. Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. 
Don't you think ? 



ACT III.] 54 

Harry. No, my darling. You put it off after tea 

Dolly. But our heads will be so much clearer in the 
morning 

Harry. [Very solemnly and severely^ My darling, 
remember what Pilcher said about procrastination. 
And remember our resolutions last night. If we break 
them on the first night of the year, where shall we be 
on the thirty-first of December? 

Dolly. I'm horribly fagged. 

Harry. Conquer it! Think how delightful it will 
be to put your head on the pillow to-night, without a 
single anxiety, without a single thought 

Dolly. Except my gratitude to you! 

Harry. Come, dear, no time like the present! 

Dolly. [Jumps up very briskly^ No time like the 
present! [Looking at him with great admiration.'\ Oh, 
Harry, what a dear, kind, good husband you've always 
been to me! 

Harry. Have I, my darling? [Modestly.'] I've done 
my best 

Dolly. How I must have tried you ! 

Harry. No, dear — at least a little sometimes. 

Dolly. When I think what patience you've had with 
me, and never reproached me 

Harry. Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs — 
That day at Goodwood — eh? 

Dolly. Don't speak of it! I was to blame 

Harry. No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I 
was quite in the wrong. 

Dolly. No, dear, it was my fault entirely! 

Harry. Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now 
these bills 

Dolly. And what good pals we've been ! 

Harry. And always shall be. [Kissing her. 

Dolly. [Hugging him.'] Oh, you dear! 

Harry. Now, business, business! 

Dolly. [Going up to writing-desk^ What a lucky 
woman I am! 

Harry. [Seated at table^ Bring them all. 



55 [^CT III. 

Dolly. [Has opened desk and taken up some bills — she 
looks round dubiously at Harry.] What a splendid 
thing it must be to be a husband and have it in your 
power to make your wife adore you, by simply paying 
a few bills. 

Harry. Yes — bring them all. \She comes down with 
a bundle of about fifteen, hands them to himi] Is this all? 

Dolly. All, of any importance. 

Harry. I want to see them all. 

Dolly. So you shall, but we'll go through these 
first, because [lamely'] if you want to ask any questions 
we can settle them on the spot, can't we? 

Harry. [Reading from the bill.] Maison Recamier, 
Court and artistic millinery. By Jove! [Looks up.] 

Dolly. What! 

Harry. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, 
nine — nine hats! 

Dolly. Different kinds of hats. 

Harry. Yedda straw four guineas, ostrich feather 
ruffle, twelve pounds ten 

Dolly. That was the one — you remember — when I 
came into the room you said, " Stay there! Just as you 
are! I must kiss you! " 

Harry. Yes, but twelve pounds ten — Moss green 
chip hat, four, fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet 
toque 

Dolly, That 's the dear little toque you admire so 
much! 

Harry. Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat 
in white Tegal with plumes of Nattier Bleu — fifteen 
guineas — Fifteen guineas?! 

Dolly. With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu! 

Harry. But fifteen guineas! 

Dolly. Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But 
what are you to do with such people? 

Harry. [With bill.] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. 
And I get my one silk topper a year, at a guinea, and 
three and six for doing it up. Total for me, one, four, 
six. Total for you 



ACT III.] 56 

Dolly. My dear Harry, don't make absurd com- 
parisons! 

Harry. \_Takes another bill.'] John Spearman, artistic 
gown maker, ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns 
— Good heavens! 

Dolly. What's the matter? 

Harry. Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds — 
that can't be right! 

Dolly. [Frightened.] No, it can't be! Add it 
up ! 

Harry. [Reading.] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta 

Dolly. The one I took to Folkestone, you re- 
member? [ With a little attempt at a kiss. 

Harry. [Gently repiilsiiig her.] No, I don't. [She 
puts her arms round his neck; he gently pushes her 
aside.] Business first, please. [Reads.] Gown of white 
cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri silk, motifs 
of silver, forty-five guineas 

Dolly. You won't grumble at that, for when I first 
put it on, you stood and looked at me and said, 
" I want to know how it is, Doll, that the moment a 
dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, 

and be as cocky and proud of itself " 

[Again attempting to embrace him. 

Harry. [Again repulsing her.] Yes, well now I do 
know! Jolly proud and cocky your dresses ought to 
feel at this price! [Reads.] "Evening cloak of straw- 
berry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, 
motifs and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, 
thirty-five guineas." What's a motif? 

Dolly. It's a trimming— a lot of little touches — a 
sort of — a — a — a — [making a little descriptive gesture] 
a suggestion — a motif 

Harry. And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that 
I should pay him five hundred and fifty-six pounds 
Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's motifs, and 
I'm not going to fall in with them. [Ptits the bill 
on the table rather angrily, takes up another, reads.] 
"Artistic lingerie!" I wonder why all these people 



57 [^^CT III. 

call themselves artists! " Underwear of daintiness and 
distinction." 

Dolly. Well, you've always praised 

Harry. Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful 
what articles of your dress I praise. " Three pairs 
of blue silk garters, forty-five shillings." \She has 
settled herself in the armchair, looking a little sulky and 
obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg 
over the other ^ What have you got to say to that? 

Dolly. Garters are necessary. 

Harry. Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? 
Why don't you speak? 

Dolly. The garters can speak for themselves ! 

Harry. Very well. Garters that can speak for 
themselves can pay for themselves! {Dcishes the bill 
on the table, takes up another. Reading.'] Three bottles 
cceur de Janette — three bottles Souffle de Marguerite 
— fifteen pounds for scent — and I have to smoke 
sixpenny cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny! 

Dolly. Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong 
things you can't wonder I have to disinfect the house 
for you. 

Harry. Disinfect the house for me! You'll very 
soon disinfect the house of me! {(^lances through the 
remaining bills, groans, puts them on the table, and 
walks about in despair. DOLLY rises and is going off."] 
Where are you going? 

Dolly. To bed. 

Harry. \^S topping her.] No! Now we've begun, 
we'll go through to the bitter end, if you please. I 
want you to explain 

Dolly. My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for 

me to try to explain in your present state 

, Harry. \_Gettiizg furious.] In my present state 

Dolly. Dancing about the room and shouting! 

Harry. I'm not shouting! 

Dolly. You're not shouting?! 

Harry. No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a 
man shout when his wife 



ACT III.] 58 

Matt appears at the door in his dressing-gown 
and slippers. 

Matt. Excuse my interrupting. But you know my 
room is just above this, and if you could manage to 
pitch your voices in rather a softer key 

Harry. By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting 
a Httle noisy. I'm awfully sorry. 

Matt. Don't mention it! The Professor gave me 
rather a stiff go of his Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't 
agreed with me [tapping his chest] for I can't get a 
wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey 
about ? 

Harry. On the sideboard in the dining-room. 

Matt. Thankee. [Tapping his chest.'] Harry, when 
you get over fifty, don't change your nightcap, or any 
of your other bad habits. 

Harry. I won't. Now, Dolly 

Matt. [Anxiously.] You won't perhaps be very long 
now? 

Dolly. No, we 'd nearly finished 

Matt. Nothing serious, I hope? 

Dolly. Harry doesn't approve of my using scent. 

Harry. Not in pailfuls. Certainly not. 

Dolly. I had three small bottles 

Matt. Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a 
woman can have, is to have none at all. [Exit. 

Harry. Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an 
understanding if we avoid all temper, and discuss it 
in a calm, business-like way. 

Dolly. [A little frightened.] Ye-es 

Harry. Very well then, come and sit down and 
let us go into it, figure by figure, item by item, and 
see how we stand. 

Dolly. Ye-es. Harry, you aren't going to be as 
business-like as all that? 

Harry. As all what? 



59 [act III. 

Dolly. I can't discuss it while you keep me at a 
distance! \Suddenly rushes at him, seats herself on his 
ktiee, puts his arm round Jier waist, kisses him.'] There ! 
now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly. 

Harry. Very well [^Icisses her], so long as we do 
discuss it thoroughly. 

Dolly. I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. 
Jobling. 

Harry. Jobling? 

Dolly. The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money- 
box for, because he swore at his wife ! 

Harry. Oh, yes, 

Dolly. You got so angry — and shouted 

Harry. Well, there was no reason for that, especially 
as getting out of temper is the one thing I'm quite 
resolved to conquer this New Year 

Dolly. \Kis sing him ^ Don't forget that! 

Harry. [Kisses her.\ Now, business, business! [Takes 
up a bill.] What have we here? Carchet, gantier et 
bonnetier, artiste — Hillo, here's another artist! In 
stockings this time. [Suddenly.] I say! 

Dolly. [Frightened.] Eh? 

Harry. [Points to an item in bill.] Come now, 
Dolly — this is really too bad — this really is too bad! 

Dolly. [Frightened.] What?! [Getting off his knee. 

Harry. One dozen pairs best silk hose, with 
clocks 

Dolly. Yes^— how much does that come to? 

Harry. Eleven pounds two 

Dolly. It does seem rather a high price, but 

[Drawing up her dress and showing an inch 
or two of silk stocking. 

Flarry. You're wearing them about the house? 
' Dolly. I can't go about the house without stock- 
ings. And I put them on for your especial benefit. 
[He utters a contemptuous exclamation^] They're a 

lovely quality 

[Drawing up her dress a?i inch or two higher. 



ACT III.] 60 

Harry. I daresay. \Tiirning away.] I'm not going 
to admire your stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or 
your blue silk garters, or your motifs, or anything that 
is yours! It 's too expensive! 

Dolly. [Dress an inch higher, looking down at her 
stockings.'] It 's the clocks you have to pay for — ~ 

Harry. I beg your pardon, it 's the clocks I haven't 
got to pay for! And don't mean to — if I can help it. 
Idiotic thing to go and put clocks on stockings — 
\iiiuttering] damned silly idiotic 

Dolly. Ah ! \Goes to table, brings the hospital box and 
puts it in 'front of /mn.] Double fine this time. 

Harry. What for? 

Dolly. Naughty swear word, and getting out of 
temper. 

Harry. Oh well — [fumbling in his pocket] I did say 
d , but I didn't get out of temper! 

Dolly. You didn't get out of temper?!? 

Harry. Not at all. I'm quite calm. [Sulkily puts a 
shilling in the box.] There! [Seats himself at table.] 
Now we'll go quietly and methodically through the 

remainder [Taking up a bill, looks at it, exclaims] 

Good heavens! 

Dolly. Good heavens what? 

Harry. [In a low exhausted tone with groans.] Good 
heavens! Good heavens! It's absolutely useless — Good 
heavens ! 

Dolly. But what is it? [Coming up, looking over. 

Harry. [Points to bill.] Four more hats! Nine on 
the other bill — four more here. Thirteen hats. 

Dolly. No, one was a toque. 

Harry. But can you explain? 

Dolly. Yes. You said yourself that Madame 
R^camier was horribly expensive, so I left her and 
went to Jacquelin's — just to save your pocket 

Harry. Never save my pocket again, please. 

Dolly. Very well, I won't. 

Harry. No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I 
shall draw the strings very tightly in future. Save 



6i [act III. 

my pocket! [^He is walking about distractedly.'] Save 
my pocket. \^Groans. 

Dolly. Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this 
way — you knew when you married me I hadn't got 
the money sense 

Harry. {Groans.'] I hadn't got any sense at all! 

Dolly. Very likely not. But try and have a little 
now. What have I done? Run a little into debt, solely 
to please you. 

Harty. Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be 
better pleased still. 

Dolly. After all, running into debt is a positive 
virtue beside the things that some wives do! 

Harry. Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it? 

Dolly. A husband is very lucky when his wife 
spends most of her time running up a few bills. It 
keeps her out of mischief I'm sure you ought to feel 
very glad that I'm a little extravagant! 

Harry. Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted! 

{He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly 
puts down the amounts of the various bills 
— she creeps up behind him. 

Dolly. What are you doing? 

Harry. I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! 

Forty-one, one, six {Groans^ Ninety-four 

\Groans. 

Dolly. [Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round 
his neck.'] Now, Harry, will you take my advice ? 

Harry. No. 

Dolly. It 's past eleven. 

[ Trying to take the pencil out of his hand. 

Harry. {Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly^ 
Will you have the goodness to let me have all your 
bills, so that I may know what help I shall need from 
my banker? 

Dolly. Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's 
absurd with our income! 

Harry. Will you have the goodness to do as I say, 
and at once, please? {He is dotting down figures. 



ACT III.] 62 

She stands still in the middle of the ?'007n.] Did you 
hear me? 

[She bursts into tears. He turns round and 
shows symptoms of relenting towards her, 
but steels himself and turns to the bills. 
Site bursts into renewed tears. He goes 
on figuring. 
Dolly. \F*iteouslyi\ Harry! Harry! [Goes up to him 
and plucks his sleeve i\ Harry ! 
Harry. Well? 

[He turns and looks at her, is aboiU to yield, 

but resists, turns away from her, settles 

resolutely to his figures. 

Dolly. And on the first night of the New Year, too! 

Just as we were going to be so happy! Harry! [Holds 

out her arms appealingly?[ Harry! [HARRY suddenly 

turns round and clasps her.^ How could you be so 

unkind to me? 

Harry. Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry 

your tears, and help me reckon this up 

Dolly. Ye-es. 

Harry. But first of all let me have the remainder 

of the bills 

Dolly. Yes. 

Harry. At once, my darling — it's getting late. 
Dolly. Yes. [Goes up to desk.'] You won't reproach 
me? 

Harry. Of course I won't. 

Dolly. I can bear anything except your reproaches. 
Promise you won't reproach me. 

Harry. I won't, unless 

Dolly. Unless what? 
Harry. It 's something too awful. 
Dolly. Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [Goes 
up to the desk, brings down about ten more bills with 
great affected cheerfulness^ There ! You see, it 's 
nothing, 

Harry. [Hastily looking at the totals.] Nothing? 
You call these nothing!!? 



63 [act hi. 

Dolly. Nothing to speak about — nothing awful! 

Harry. Good heavens! How any woman with the 

least care for her husband, or her home —[looking 

at one total after another] how any woman with 

the least self-respect [DOLLY goes to him, puts her 

arms round him, tries to embrace — he repulses her.] 
No, please. I've had enough of that old dodge. 

Dolly. Dodge! 

Harry. I remember that last two hundred pounds 
and how you sweedled me out of it! 

Dolly. Sweedled? 

Harry. Yes! Sweedled! 

Dolly. There 's no such word ! 

Harry. No, but there's the thing! As most hus- 
bands know. [Referring to one hill after anotJier, pick- 
ing out items.] Lace coat, hand-made! En-tout-cas, 
studded cabochons of lapis lazuli — studded cabochons 
— studded cabochons! 

Dolly. [Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at 
the ceiling?^ Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice 
in rather a softer key? 

Harry. [Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, 
speaks in a whisper, very rapidly and fiercely?^ Yes! 
And I say that a woman who goes and runs up bills 
like these, [dashing the back of one hand against the 
bills in the other] while her husband is smoking three- 
penny cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to 
one of those new palatial workhouses where, thank 
heaven, the cuisine and appointments are now organ- 
ized with a view of providing persons of your tastes 
with every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [Re- 
turns angrily to the bills, turns them over.] Irish lace 
bolero! [Turns to another.] Fur motor coat, fifty-five 

guineas 

Dolly. [Calmly gazing at the ceiling.] You told me 
to look as smart as Mrs. Colefield. 

Harry. Not at that price! If I'd known what that 
motor tour would cost by Jove! I'd 



ACT III.] 64 

Dolly. You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my 
father. 

Harry. He ought to be waked! He ought to know 
what his daughter is saddling me with. 

Dolly. Very well, if you don't care how shabby I 
look • 

Harry. Shabby! {Referring to bills.'] Lace demi- 
toilette! Point de Venise lace Directoire coat! 
Shabby? 

Dolly. My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall 
ever agree as to what constitutes shabbiness? 

Harry. No, I'm hanged if we ever shall! 

Dolly. Then suppose we drop the subject. For the 
future I shall endeavour to please you entirely. 

Harry. Oh, you will? 

Dolly. By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to 
be seen in the same street with me. I shall make 
myself a perfect fright — a perfect dowdy — a perfect 
draggletail! 

Harry. Then I shall not be seen in the same street 
with you. 

Dolly. You won't? 

Harry. No, my dear. Make no mistake about that I 

Dolly. You'll be seen with somebod}' else, perhaps? 

Harry. Very likely. 

Dolly. Have you met Miss Smithson again? 

Harry. Not since the last time. 

Dolly. Have you seen her since we were at 
Folkestone? 

Harry. What 's that to do with your bills? 

Dolly. A great deal. That night at dinner she told 
you her dress allowance was a hundred and twenty 
a year, and you said you wished she'd give me a few 
lessons in economy. 

Harry. I did not. 

Dolly. Pardon me, you did ! 

Harry. Pardon me, I did not. I said she might 
give some women a lesson in economy. 

Dolly. You did not! I heard every word of your 



65 [act III. 

conversation, and you distinctly asked her to give me, 
your wife, a few lessons in economy. 

Harry. I'll swear I didn't! 

Dolly. Ask my father! He was there. 

Harry. Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in 
the morning. 

Dolly. No, to-night! You've accused me of de- 
liberately saying what isn't true, and I 

Harry. I have not! 

Dolly. Yes, you have. And I insist on having it 
cleared up to-night! I don't suppose he's asleep! 
Fetch him down! 

Harry. Very well ! I will fetch him down ! {Exit. 

Dolly. {Paces furiously up and dowuT^ Me! Lessons 
in economy! Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in 
economy! And from Miss Smithson! From that 
creature! Lessons in economy! 

Re-enter HARRY. 

Harry. He'll be down in a minute! Meantime, [z^^r^ 
angry'\ I want to know what any woman in this world 
wants with two dozen cache corsets? 

{Banging his free hand on the bills. 

Dolly. We'll clear up Miss Smithson first 

Harry. No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson 

Dolly. Because you can't clear up Miss Smith- 
son 

Harry. I can clear up Miss Smithson 

Dolly. You cannot clear up Miss Smithson 



Matt appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his 
eyes and looking very sleepy. 

Dad, you remember Miss Smithson 

Matt. {Coming in, very sleepy ^^ Smithson? 

Dolly. The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that 

Harry paid so much attention to. 

K 



ACT III.] 66 

Harry. I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson 
than was absolutely necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron? 

Dolly. Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember 

Matt. Not for the moment 

Dolly. Not the disgraceful way Harry — there's no 
other word — carried on ! 

Harry. I did not carry on — Mr. Barron, I appeal 
to you. 

Dolly. Dad! 

Matt. My dear, I certainly did not notice 

Dolly. No, he was far too careful to let anyone 
notice it, except his own wife! 

Harry. You lay your life when I do carry on my 
wife will be the last person I shall allow to notice it! 

Dolly. I daresay ! Dad, did you hear that? 

Matt. Yes. {Rousing himself a little.'] Now, Harry, 
what about this Miss Smithson? 

Harry. That 's what I want to know ! 

Matt. Who is Miss Smithson? 

Dolly. Surely you remember that lanky girl 

Harry. Miss Smithson is not lanky 

Dolly. Not lanky? Not lanky!? You can't have 
any eyes ! 

Harry. That 's what I've often thought 

Dolly. [Explodes.] Oh! Oh! Dad! 

Matt. Come, Harry, let 's clear this up. [Suddenly.] 
Smithson? Oh yes! The girl who sat on your left at 
your dinner party 

Dolly. That 's the one ! 

Matt. I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry. 

Dolly. A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember 
that dinner party 

Matt. [Cautiously.] Ye-es. 

Dolly. You remember how she waited for a lull in 
the talk, and then she said with that silly, simpering, 
appealing look 

Harry. Miss Smithson's look is not silly or 
simpering. 

Dolly. Well, it's appealing, isn't it.!" 



6; [act III. 

Harry. [ With a little chuckle^ Oh, yes, it 's appeal- 
ing. 

Dolly. lEnraged?^ Oh! Dad! 

Matt. {Quiets her:] Shush!— What did she say? 

Dolly. She said with a very marked glance at me, 
" My dress allowance is a hundred and twenty a 
year, and I don't understand how any reasonable 
woman can wish for more!" What do you think of 
that? 

Matt. Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced 
at you, it 

Dolly. Yes? 

Matt. It wasn't very nice of her. 

Dolly. Nice? It was an insult! A direct, inten- 
tional, abominable insult, wasn't it? 

Matt. Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circum- 
stances 

Dolly. And Harry ought to have resented it? 

Matt. At his own dinner table he couldn't, could 
he? 

Dolly. Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he 
ought to have shown that he resented it. Instead of 
that, he actually asked her to give me a few lessons 
in economy! 

Harry. I did not! 

Dolly. Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons 
in economy! 

Harry. And a thundering good thing if she had 
given you a few before you ran up these bills! 

{Dashes his hand on to the bills. 

Dolly. There! You hear?! 

Matt. Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked 
another woman to give your wife lessons in economy. 

Harry. I didn't! 

Dolly. Dad! You were there 

Matt. Yes, but I don't quite remember 

Dolly. You don't remember?! Surely you can re- 
member a simple thing like that when your own 
daughter tells you it was so! 



ACT III.] 68 

Matt. Now, Harry, what did you really say to 
Miss Smithson? 

Harry. I said she might give some women a lesson 
in economy. 

Matt. Not meaning Dolly? 

\Giving hijii a wink to say " No." 

Harry. No-o. 

Dolly. Then whom did he mean? Lessons in 
economy? Whom could he mean if he didn't mean 
me? 

Harry. Just so! 

Dolly. Ah! There! You see, he owns it! 

Matt. No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did 
you, Harry? \W inking at Harry. 

Dolly. Then will he please say what he really does 
mean? 

Matt. Now, Harry, what do you really mean? 

Harry. Well, you remember that night of the dinner 
party at Folkestone. 

Matt. \_Cautiously.'\ Ye-es 

Harry. After they'd all gone you and I went into 
the smoking-room, didn't we? 

Matt. \_Catitiozisly.'\ Ye-es. 

Harry. And you said, " Doll 's in one of her high 
gales again!" 

Dolly. High gales?! [Indignant.'] Father! You 
didn't say that? 

Matt. No, no, my dear 

Harry. Excuse me, those were your exact words. 
High gales! 

Matt. I don't remember. 

Dolly. No, you don't remember anything. 

Harry. You said, " What on earth was up between 
her and Miss Smithson at dinner? " 

Dolly. You see! That proves exactly what I said! 

Harry. No, by Jove, it proves that your father 
noticed what a confounded, cussed 

Dolly. Go on ! Go on ! Say it ! 

Matt. Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say? 



6g [ACT III. 

Harry. Well, not wishing to give Dolly away 

Dolly. Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away! 

Harry. Not then ! But, by Jove, if any decent chap 
were to come along now 

Dolly. {Exploding?^ There! There! \To Matt.] 
And you sit there and hear my own husband insult 
me in my own house! 

Matt. No! no! 

Dolly. But there you sit! There you sit! 

Matt. \ Jumps up fiercely^ Now, Harry! 

Harry. [Fiercely.] Well, now, Mr. Barron 

Dolly. Why don't you defend me? Why don't you 
demand an apology? 

Matt. What for? 

Dolly. For everything! For to-night! For that night 
at Folkestone! 

Harry. That night at Folkestone! Why, your father 
was quite on my side 

Matt. What? 

Dolly. He wasn't; were you, Dad? 

Matt. No — no. 

Harry. What? [Fiercely ?[ Do you remember exactly 
what passed between us in the smoking-room, Mr. 
Barron? 

Matt. No. 

Harry. Then I'll tell you 

Matt. {Retreating towards door.] No — no — I don't 
want to know 

Harry. [Following hint up, shouting a little.] You 
said, "I know what she's like in her high gales! 
I remember what the little devil was like at 
home." 

Dolly. [Pursuing him up to door.] Father! You 
didn't say that! 

Matt. No — no, my darling — quite a mistake — quite 
a mistake — altogether a mistake. 

[Gets thankfully off at back 

Dolly. [Calls after him.] Then why don't you stay 
and tell him so! 



ACT III.] 70 

Harry. [Shotits after Matt.] It's not a mistake! 
Dolly. [Calls after Matt.] It 's cowardly of you to 
leave me here to be insulted! 

Harry. [Goes up to door, shouts^ It 's not a mistake! 
You patted me on the back and said, "Poor chap! 
Poor chap!" You know you did! [Closes the door, 
comes fiercely down to DOLLY.] It's not a mistake! 
He could see you had insulted Miss Smithson. 

Dolly. I had not insulted her! I was far too civil 
to her, considering that the next evening you took 
her out on the Leas, when you ought to have been at 

billiards 

Harry. I took her out on the Leas! 
Dolly. Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So 
where were you? Where were you? 

Harry. I jolly well don't know, and I — I 

Dolly. Say it! Say it! 

Harry. I damned well don't care! 

Dolly. Ah! 

[She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts 
it irritatingly in front of him ; he seizes 
it, they struggle for it, trying to take it 
out of each other's hands ; she screams, he 
tries to get it; there is a scuffle round the 
room; he tries to rub her knuckles, she 
makes a little feint to bite him; in the 
struggle the box drops on the floor a little 
below the table, right. 
Dolly. Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! 
Harry. Now, for the last time, have I all your 
bills? 

Dolly. Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! 
Harry. Have I all your bills? 
Dolly. Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! 
Harry. Once more, madam, have I all your 
bills? 

Dolly. No, you haven't! 

Harry. Then please hand them over to me this 
instant, so that I may take proceedings. 



71 [act III. 

Dolly. [Laughing.'] Proceedings! Ha! Take your 
proceedings! 

Harry. By Jove! I will take proceedings. 

Dolly. Take them ! Take them ! 

Harry. [ Walking about fiLriously with the bills.'] So 
this is the way the money goes! [Banging the bills.] 
While I have to smoke twopenny cigars! And can't 
get a decent dinner! 

Dolly. You can't get a decent dinner? 

Harry. No! Look at those messes last night. They 
weren't fit for a cook-shop. 

Dolly. Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a 
housekeeper! 

Harry. By Jove! that's what I mean to do! ^ 

Dolly. Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to- 
morrow morning! I'll hand her over the keys! 

Harry. [Shouting.] And please hand me over the 
rest of your bills! The rest of your bills! 

[Dolly marches up to the desk. 

Matt appears at door in dressing-gown. 

Matt. I can't get a wink of sleep 

[Dolly takes out about twenty more bills. 

Harry. I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there! 

Dolly. [Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the 

floor.] Well there! And there! And there! And there! 

Now you've got the whole lot! And I hope you're 

satisfied! I'm going into Renie's room! [Exit. 

Harry. You're not going into Renie's room. I insist 

on your going through these bills 

[Following her off. Their voices are heard 
retreating tipstairs, DOLLY saying, " Go 
through the bills! Send for Miss Smith- 
son ! Have her here to-morrow morning ! 
Take your proceedings." HARRY saying, 
" I insist on going through the bills to- 
night! Do you hear, madam, I insist! 
Will you come down and go through 
these bills," etc. 



ACT III.] 72 

Matt. \Sees the box on floor ^ picks it up, carefully 
places it on table.] We're making a splendid start for 
the New Year! [Exit. 



CURTAIN. 



(A year passes between Acts III and IV) 



ACT IV. 

Scene : The same. The sofa now fronts the fireplace. 
The arm-chair is below the sofa, a little to its right. 
The other furniture remains the same. 

Time: Afternoon of fanuary ist, 1908. 



Eitter Lucas, followed by Criddle. Lucas has his 
left collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped 
across his breast; his coat is buttoned loosely over 
the arm, the left sleeve hanging down. 

Lucas. 
HEY'VE gone to meet me? 
Criddle. Yes, sir, 
Lucas. By the road? 
Criddle. Yes, sir. 
Lucas. That 's how I've missed them. My car broke 
down the other side of the clump, and so I walked 
over the fields. 

Criddle. Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm 
isn't serious. 

Lucas. No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me 
a couple of months' leave, so that I could spend 
the New Year in England. 

Criddle. You had it very hot in India, I suppose, 
sir? 




ACT IV.] 74 

Lucas. Blazing! 

Criddle. We've got the same old weather here, you 
see, sir, 

Lucas. Same old weather! Had any visitors for 
Christmas, Criddle? 

Criddle. Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and 
Mrs. Sturgess. 

Lticas. Same old visitors — same visitors, I should 
say. Mr. Pilcher still Vicar here, I suppose? 

Criddle. Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon 
at the old year's service last night. 

Lucas. Same old sermon! 

Criddle. No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, 
though it had similar points to last year. Ah! You 
came over for the old year's service last year? 

Lticas. Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was! 

Criddle. Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, 
sir? It even touched me up a bit. 

Lucas. In what way, Criddle? 

Criddle. I used to have my ten bob on any horse as 
I fancied, but I never put a farthing on anything — 
not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks. 

Lucas. You didn't? 

Criddle. No, and thank God, in a manner of speak- 
ing, that I didn't, for she never pulled it off. I owe 
that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never touched a thing 
till the Leger. That reminds me 

Lucas. What, Criddle? 

Criddle. Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, 
the master had a collecting box, and when he found 
himself going a bit off the straight he used to put in 
a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket 
fund 

Lucas. Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised 
him a sovereign for each of us if we had carried out 
our good resolutions. Is that coming off, Criddle? 

Criddle. I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming 
here this afternoon, and the master told me to be sure 
and find the box before he eets here. 



75 [act IV. 

Lucas. Find the box? 

Criddle. Nobody has seen anything of it for some 
months. Excuse me, sir, I must look for it. 

{^Exit Criddle. 



Lucas takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances 
through it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a 
short note, puts letter in envelope, seals it up, puts 
It in his tail pocket, goes to conservatory, looks in. 
Renie enters at door behind him. She starts, as 
he turns round. 

Renie. [In a whisper.] You're here already? 

Lucas. Yes 

Renie. Your wound? 

Lucas. Much better. Nearly well. 

Renie. I'm so glad 

Lucas. I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to 
India directly. Why didn't you answer my last 
letter? 

Renie. I did — and tore it up. 

Lucas. Tore it up? 

Renie. What's the use? I told you last year we 
could never be anything to each other! 

Lucas. But you didn't mean it? 

YHe seizes her hand and kisses it several times. 

Renie. [Feebly attempting to withdraw it.] Yes- 
yes, I did. Hush! 

Lucas. I want you to read this. 

[Shows her the letter. 

Matt. [Heard through the door which is open a few 
inches:] Have you found the box, Criddle? 

Criddle. No, sir. I've hunted everywhere. 

Matt. Have another look. We must have it ready 
for Mr. Pilcher. 



ACT IV.] 76 



Matt eiiters. Meantime Renie has crept to upper 
conservatory door and gone off signing to LuCAS 
to keep silence. He has taken the letter out of his 
pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it back 
before Matt enters. 

Matt. Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy 
New Year! 

Lucas. Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. 

{^Cordially shaking hands. 

Matt. Glad to see you back in England. 

Lucas. Glad to be back! 

Matt. How's the arm? 

Lucas. Splendid — nearly well. Dolly and Harry all 
right? 

Matt. First rate. They'll be here directly. 

Lucas. The Sturgesses are here again. Griddle tells 
me. 

Matt. Ye-es. 

Lucas. Gray matter still going strong? 

Matt. Booming. 

Lucas. How's Mrs. Sturgess? 

Matt. As usual. Lucas 

Lucas. Well? 

Matt. You're quite cured, eh? 

Lucas. Cured? 

Matt. Of your infatuation for her. 

Lucas. Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and per- 
haps it was lucky I was ordered out to India 

Matt. I managed that for you, my boy. 

Lucas. You did!? 

Matt. Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove 
over to Aldershot, cracked you up, and got you the 
job. 

Lucas. So that was why I was packed off. It was 
you who 

Matt. Aren't you thankful I did? 

Lucas. Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged! 



'J'J [act IV. 

Matt. So you ought to be. And so 's the lady. 

Lucas. Is she? 

Matt. Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying 
you'd motor down to-day, Dolly had a long talk with 
her, and the result was she thanked Dolly and me for 
getting you out of the way and saving her from you. 

Lucas. Did she? 

Matt. Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, 
and I think she would have kissed me, only I didn't 
feel myself quite worthy. 

Lucas. Oh, so that 's all settled ! 

Matt. That's all settled. At least, let 's hope so. 

Lucas. What do you mean? 

Matt. Well, you won't come 

Lucas. What? 

Matt. The same old game. 

Lucas. What same old game? 

Matt. W^hy, the same old game! 

Lucas. You must be judging me by yourself, when 
you were young. 

Matt. My dear boy, that 's just what I am doing. 
Lucas, there 's not going to be any repetition 

Lucas. No — no. 

Matt. Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it? 

Lucas. No. 

Matt. Very well then, don't do it! 

Lucas. I won't! [Listening.'] Ah! [DOLLY and 
Harry's voices heard in hall.] Dolly and Harry! 



Dolly and Harry enter vejy lovingly. 

Lucas. Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year! 
Dolly. Happy New Year, Lu! 
Lucas. Harry, old brick, how goes it? 
Harry. Splendid ! 
Lucas. Happy New Year! 

Harry. Happy New Year! [Looking lovingly at 
Dolly.] By Jove, Doll, you can foot it. [To LuCAS.] 



ACT IV.] 78 

Doll and I have just raced up from the farm. She 
licked me! bless her! 

Dolly. Yes, because you encouraged me! 

Harry. \Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, 
kisses her heartily^ There aren't many things this little 
woman can't do. 

Dolly. When you encourage me! 

Harry. Oh, I'll encourage you! 

\He again kisses her heartily. 

Harry. Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home 
again. Arm pretty bad? 

Lucas. No, nearly well, unfortunately. 

Dolly. Down for the day? 

Lucas. Well, now my car has broken down, I was 
wondering if you'd put me up 

Dolly. {Firmly \ No. We shall be pleased for you 
to stay dinner. 

Harry. There 's the spare room, Doll. 

Dolly. [Firmly.] No. That may be wanted for 
Renie, or myself. 

Harry. {Half aside to her.] I say, not for you, old 
girl! 

Lucas. Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down 
at the Red Lion. 



Enter Ren IE at back, still in outdoor clothes. 

Renie. {Feigning a little surprise?^ Captain Went- 
worth! A happy New Year! 

Lucas. Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess. 

{Shaking hands. 

Renie. So sorry to hear of your wound ! 

Lucas. Oh, it's healed, thank you. 

Renie. I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long 
stay in England? 

Lucas. I fear only a few days longer. 

Renie. I'm sorry your visit will be so short. 



79 [act IV. 



Criddle enters triumphantly with the hospital box, 
tvhich is very mouldy and dusty — he has also duster 
in his hand. 

Criddle. I've found him, sir — 

Matt. Rather mouldy, eh? 

Criddle. Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir. 

\Begins to dtist the box carefully. 

Matt. Looks well for your household discipline here, 
Harry. 

Harry. How? 

Matt. You've had no occasion to use him lately. 

Criddle. {Displaying the box, having carefully dusted 
it.] There he is, sir. Hospital for Incurables! Nearly 
as good as new. 

Matt. Where did you find him? 

Criddle. In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was 
getting out a bottle of the sixty-eight port for New 
Year's night, and happening to put my hand behind, 
there he was! 

Harry. \Has a sudden gesture of remembrance^ Yes, 
I remember! 

Matt. What should incurables be doing in the 
wine-cellar? {Holds out his hand to Criddle y^r the 
box. Criddle, who has been holdi^ig it carefully, gives 
it to Matt. Exit Criddle. Matt gives the box a shake. 
It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, 
more violently; it rattles again.] Internal organs sound 
healthy. How did he get into the wine-cellar, Harry? 

Harry. Well, Dolly and I had been having a little 
tiff one morning — nothing serious 

Matt. No. When was that? 

Harry. March, wasn't it? 

Dolly. May, I think 

Harry. No, it wasn't that one — Well, never mind, 
I got so riled at Dolly always poking this box in 

front of me whenever I happened to so I thought 

the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it. 



ACT IV.] ■ So 

Matt. [Gives it another rattle?^ Well, here he is, 
turned up just at the right moment! And here you 
all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. Sturgess — all 
clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in 
a sovereign for each of you. 



Criddle appears at door annotmcmg Mr. Pilciier. 
PiLCHER enters with four oblong brown paper 
parcels of equal size. Exit Criddle. 

Pilcher. Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. 
[Depositing his par eels i\ My New Year's gifts to a few 
of my parishioners! 

Dolly. New Year's gifts! 

Pilcher. To those who need them. [Shaking hands 
with her.'] Happy New Year, Mr. Barron ! 

[Shaking hands. 

Matt. Happy New Year! 

Pilcher. How do this morning, Telfer! [Harry 
nods?[ My dear Mrs. Sturgess ! [Shaking hands. 

Renie. Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon 
you gave us again last night ! 

Pilcher. Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing. 

Harry. A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel — 
well [Gives himself a shake. 

Pilcher. Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year! 

Lucas. [Shaking hands.] Happy New Year! 

Pilcher. I heard you were wounded 

Lucas. Oh, that 's done with. 

Matt. We were just talking about our New Year's 
inquest 

Pilcher. I nquest ? ! 

Matt. Into the characters of Dolly and Harry 
and [Glancing at Ren IE and Lucas. 

Dolly. Oh, please don't talk about inquests. No- 
body's character is dead here. 

Matt. I hope not! We shall see 



8 1 [act IV. 

Lucas. Uncle, you don't really mean to carry out 
this ridiculous idea of yours? 

Matt. It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but 
if you wish to avoid any awkward little exposures, or 
if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his claims to my 
contributions 

Pilcher. I'm afraid I can't. I've come here for the 
express purpose of bearing away my trophy — Ah! 
{^Seeing box, takes it, gives it a shake; his features 
assume a pleasant smile.'] It seems to have proved 
a very wholesome household regulator. 

Harry. Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house 
twenty-four hours before I put in a sovereign. 

Pilcher. A sovereign? 

Harry. The first night of last year Dolly and I had 
a little tiff — nothing serious — and so the next morning 
I m.ade it up and — didn't I, Dolly? 

Dolly. You did ! And paid my bills like a lamb, you 
dear! 

Pilcher. And put in a sovereign? [Rattles the box 
again.] I won't say " Don't have any more household 
tiffs," but I will say " Don't omit to liquidate them." 



Professor Sturgess enters at back, with the proofs 
of his book in his hand. 

Prof. How do you do? 

Pilcher. How do you do? [Shaking hands.] Happy 
New Year! 

Prof. Happy New Year to you! [To LuCAS.] How 
d'ye do? 

Lucas. First rate. Happy New Year! 

[Shaking hands. 

Prof. Thank you. An accident? 

Lucas. Bit of one. Getting over it. 

Prof If I might recommend the constant use of 
Fableine. 

M 



ACT IV.] 82 

Lucas. Oh, thanks, it 's quite well 

Prof. Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. 

\Looking round. 

Pitcher. We were just about to settle the question 
Mr. Barron raised last New Year's day 

Prof. Oh yes! I remember! Curiously enough I 
have only this morning received the proofs of my new 
volume, " Free Will, the Illusion." 

[ Showing the proofs /^ P I LC H E R . 

Pilcher. Very interesting. I should like to discuss 
the matter with you, but {taking out watch] I've so 
many New Year's calls to make. {Looking at MATT.] 
Perhaps we ought to get on with the — a 

Matt. Inquest. 

Pilcher. Vindication. 

Matt. {Accepting the correction?^ Vindication. 

Pilcher. Can you remember the exact terms. 

Matt. I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of 
your hearers who has so far benefited by the wise 
admonitions of your last year's sermon as to have 
broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad 
habit 

Lucas. We aren't bound to say what the bad habit 
is that we've broken off? 

Matt. I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't 
mention the particular bad habit, you '11 have to give 
me some assurance that you 've conquered it. {Putting 
down proofs on table, taking up the money-box, giving 
it a shake.] Now, who'll be first to step into the con- 
fessional? {Looking round. 

Dolly. I will, as I've nothing to confess. 

Matt. Nothing? 

Dolly. No. I had what some husbands might think 
a bad habit, but 

Harry. No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll? 

Dolly. No. 

Harry. You're sure now, my darling? 

Dolly. Well, you must have some bills — they grow 
up before you know — you can't settle them all on 



83 [ACT IV. 

the spur of the moment, but I've nothing of import- 
ance. So please put in your sovereign for me. 

Matt. Then you 've absolutely broken off your bad 
habit of running up bills? 

Dolly. Yes. 

Matt. Entirely? 

Dolly. Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive. 

Pilcher. Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I 
may claim one victory for free -wiW^l^nodding victoriously 
at the Professor who shakes his head\ and one sove- 
reign for the Blanket Club. 

Matt. Hum! \praws a sovereign otU of his pocket 
and very reluctantly drops it into the box, shakes his 
head at DoLLY who looks a little uncomfortable.] Who 
volunteers next? Harry? 

Harry. Oh well, here goes! I'm going to make a 
clean breast. The fact is I've made a thundering mess 
of it. 

Matt. Ah! 

Harry. I did begin all right except for a little tiff 
with Dolly — and then I kept on pretty well for some 
time, and then — well I don't know — I seemed to go 
all to pieces and — [MATT rattles the money-box.] How- 
ever, better luck this year! But it's so jolly hard to 
keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack till you woke us 
up last night — I say, that was a rouser again ! 

Pilcher. It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? 

Matt. No victory for free will and the Blanket 
Club, this time. Game and game. Now which of you 
two ^Looking at Renie and LuCAS. 

Renie. I'll be your first victim. [Coming into the 
middle of the room, and posing^ It 's so strange that 
what you started as a jest 

Matt. Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you. 

Renie. In this life who knows what is jest and what 
is earnest? The least little innocent thing may turn to 
a tragedy 

Matt. Surely you haven't had any little tragedies? 

Renie. No, last year a mere little circumstance 



ACT IV.] 84 

might have turned to a tragedy— honestly I wasn't 
to blame, but perhaps I was a little careless, and 
two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and 
what might have been a tragedy was turned to a 
comedy. 

Prof. My dear, may I ask what "circumstance" 
you are alluding to? 

Matt. We said we wouldn't be inquisitive 

Prof. No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's 
life during the last twelve months that even approached 
a tragedy 

Renie. I said the affair was quite unimportant 

Prof. Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify 
everything, and I wish you would read solid scientific 
works in place of rubbishy French novels. 

Matt. Meantime, \to Renie] may we be confident 
your little tragedy is ended 

Renie. Oh yes, quite. 

Pitcher. Another victory. 

Matt. [Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in 
the dox.] Lucas? 

Lucas. [Coining cheerfu/tj/ forward.] My turn for the 
thumbscrew! 

Matt. You seem very cheerful about it. 

Lucas. Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show. 

Matt. What particular bad habit have you con- 
quered during the past year? 

Lucas. I don't know that I've conquered any one 
in particular, but I've had a regular good go in all 
round, so altogether I can pat myself on the back. 

Matt. But I want to know one particular habit 
conquered — for instance, you weren't very careful what 
ladies you made love to, or how many of them at the 
same time 

Lucas. I say. Uncle Matt, drop this 

Matt. And a year or two ago you went just a little 
bit off the straight 

Lucas. Oh no I didn't. 

Matt. I want to know 



85 [ACT IV. 

Lucas. Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out 
of this before it goes any further. 

Matt. It isn't going any further. {Putting his Jiand on 
Lucas's shoulder^ Give me your word. 

Lucas. It wasn't a very bad case, and — I summoned 
all my resolution, and there the matter ended. 

Pilcher. I think I may claim a victory here. 

Lucas. So please put in your sovereign. 

Matt. [ Very seriously?^ Then I may take it, Lu, 
you 've really broken off? 

Lucas. Yes, yes, of course I have. 

[Matt puts in a sovereign^ hands the box to 
Pilcher. 

Pitcher. Three victories and one draw out of four. 
Most satisfactory. {Taking out w at ch^ I must hurry 
off to the White House. {Rattling the box?\ Excellent 
results! So excellent that I think I'm justified in 
making you a little New Year's gift. 

{Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels. 

Dolly. A New Year's gift! How kind of you! 
To me? 

Pilcher. {Opening his parcel?^ To you and your 
husband. To your husband in particular, because, 
although he may have fallen a little short of perfection 
during the last year — like some of the rest of us — yet 
I feel sure that during this coming year — {They have 
all been watching him curiously ; he has now opened 
the parcel and displays a very bright brand-new collect- 
ifig box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on it, in 
large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box.] 
My household regulator! {Giving it to DoLLY. 

Dolly. { Who has shown considerable disappoiiitment 
on the opening of the parcel.] Crookbury Blanket Club! 
Thank you so much, for Harry's sake, Harry! For you, 
dear. 

{She gives the box to Harry, who places it on 
the same table.] 

Pilcher. Well, I must be getting on. {Shaking 
hands.] Good-bye, Professor. 



ACT IV.] 86 

Prof. I should like to make that point clear with 

regard to free will 

Pilcher. When you have an hour, or shall I say a 

year, to spare, we might argue it out 

Prof. You're going to the White House? If I might 

accompany you 

Pilcher. Delighted! 

\_Shakes hands in dumb show with DOLLY 
and Harry. 
Prof Renie, you've had your restless fits again. 

You'd better come with us 

Renie. But I've already been walking 

Prof. My dear, this bracing country air is just what 

you need. Keep out in it all the day long 

Renie. Oh, very well — the White House, and the 
fish-pond as usual, I suppose? 
Prof As usual. Come along. 

\^Exit. Renie slightly shrugs her shoulders^ 
very slightly glances at LuCAS and exit 
after PROFESSOR. 
Lucas. The dear old fish-pond ! We might all take 
a stroll there! 

Matt. Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We 
might all take a stroll there! 

\JLinking his arm with LuCAS. 
Lucas. {^Suspicious, holding back.'] I don't know that 

I care — we went there last year 

Matt. We did! Same old game, eh? Come along. 

[Drags Lucas of. 
Pilcher. [Has been gathering up his parcels^ Well, 
good-bye! Good-bye! [Rattles the hospital box vigor- 
ously^ Three splendid victories for free will and moral 
resolution ! 

[Exit, rattling the box. 
Harry. Doll, you really haven't got any bills this 
year? 

Dolly. No! no! Only the few little oddments that 
no woman can prevent. 

Harry. You might let me see the littleoddments 



8; [ACT IV. 

Dolly. I will. \_Suddenly^ Oh Harry, I quite for- 
got! Do forgive me! 
Harry. What? 

Dolly. I never wrote the geyser bath people! 
Harry. Never mind the geyser bath. 
Dolly. And only this morning you rowed me be- 
cause I hadn't got it ready for the New Year! Where 
did you put their address.^ 

Harry. I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among 
my papers. 

Dolly. \Gently pushing him off.l I can just catch 
to-night's post! Make haste and get it! Quick! 
There's a dear! And then we can get the bath fixed 
up for you next week. 

Harry. Ye — es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those 
oddments fixed up to-night. 

[ Taps the writing-case significantly and exit. 
Dolly looks frightened^ sees him off, goes 
up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at 
them, throws up her arms in despair, 
groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks 
at the chair she has touched in first act, 
shows great resolution, marches up and 
touches it. 
Dolly. Yes! Yes! I have got free will. 

\Goes back from it, again looks at it, again 
marches up to it, touches it. 
Dolly. Then why do I keep on having bills? 

Ren IE enters in great agitation and distress. 

Renie. Oh, Dolly! 

Dolly. What 's the matter ? 

Renie. Oh, Dolly! 

Dolly. What is it? 

Renie. {Throws her arms round DoLLY affection- 
ately.'] You've always been such a true friend to 
me 

Dolly. Yes, dear. 



ACT IV.] 88 

Renie. More like a sister. And I know I may trust 
you now. 

Dolly. [A little suspicious^ Yes. Has anything 
happened? 

Renie. Yes. Oh, Dolly 

Dolly. Tell me! 

Renie. As we were going out at the garden gate, 
Captain Wentworth held out a letter behind his back 
for me to take 

Dolly. What?! 

Renie. But now his arm is wounded he couldn't 
manage it properly, and he dropped it. I hurried to 
pick it up, and then my husband noticed and insisted 
on reading it 

Dolly. What was in the letter? 

Renie. It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has 
chosen to jump to a wrong conclusion, and — oh, 
Dolly, you can help me! 

Dolly. {Coldly, relaxing her embrace?^ How? 

Renie. If you'd only let me tell my husband that 
I was receiving it for you 

Dolly. What?! 

Renie. There was no address, and fortunately it 
proved that you weren't really guilty. 

Dolly. Oh! I wasn't really guilty? 

Renie. In fact, it proves your complete innocence. 

Dolly. I'm glad of that. 

Renie. Then you '11 let me say it was you? 

Dolly. No! You can't suppose I should let my own 
cousin make love to me in my own house.?! 

Renie. You won't help me? 

Dolly. Yes, any way but that! How could you be so 
foolish? 

Renie. I don't know. When I heard yesterday he 
was coming, I quite made up my mind I'd have 
nothing to say to him ! Dolly, free will must be an 
illusion, or else why do I always — oh, what shall I do? 

Dolly. As you are completely innocent, you'd better 
ask your husband to forgive you. 



89 [ACT IV. 

Renie. Ye — es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and 
exalted attachment I shall take that ground— at any 
rate at first, and see what he says. You'll help me 
all you can? 

Dolly. Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to 
do with Lucas in future! 

Renie. No, indeed ! if I once get out of this. 

Dolly. Very well! I'll see what I can do. — Hush! 



The Professor enters with a letter in his hand, MATT 
soothing him. 

Prof. [Very angry.] Not a word more, if you 
please. Mrs. Telfer, you have doubtless heard 

Dolly. Yes ? 

Prof. I leave for London to-night to consult my 
lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess will, I trust, return to her 
friends until 

Matt. Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to ex- 
plain 

Prof. What explanation can be offered of language 
like this. {Reading from letter.] "From the first 
moment I saw you, I felt that you were entirely 

different from any woman I have ever met " A 

monstrously inexact statement to start with. And a 

woman who is capable of practising such deceit 

[Renie btu'sts into tears. 

Matt. I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess 
has to say 

Renie. {Through her tears \ What would be the use? 
With such a nature as his he could never begin to 
understand the loyal and exalted devotion which 
Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I 
have been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! 
Let it be so till the end! Dolly, come and help 
me pack! 

{Exit. Matt goes up to table and takes up 
proofs of Professor's book and looks 
through them. 
N 



ACT IV.] 90 

Dolly. You're really too severe with poor Renie 

Prof. I am not severe. I simply register the in- 
evitable sentence of the husband upon the wife who 
misconducts herself! 

Dolly. Misconducts herself! She has merely had 
a little harmless flirtation 

Prof. In my wife a flirtation of this character 
[pointmg to letter in his hand\ constitutes grave mis- 
conduct. 

Dolly. But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it 
might happen to any woman ! Dad, explain to him 

Matt. Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong 
view of this. Now this case you were pointing out 
to me in your own book [pointing to proofs] — Number 
forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome 
woman too! — [reading] "The injustice and cruelty of 
condemning this poor lady must be apparent to all." 
My dear Professor, before publishing this book you'll 
have to modify your theory. 

Prof. I cannot modify my theory. I have spent 
ten years in collecting facts which prove it. 

Matt. Then, pardon me, you must really look over 
Mrs. Sturgess's little indiscretion. 

Prof That is equally impossible 

Matt. But you say that her action in receiving my 
nephew's letter was entirely due to the activity of 
certain atoms in the gray matter of her brain. 

Prof. Undoubtedly that is so. 

Dolly. Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on 
working wrong, what 's the use of blaming her? You 
say yourself there 's no such thing as free will 

Prof Precisely, but I have always allowed that 
in the present low moral and intellectual condition 
of the herd of mankind, free will is a plausible 
working hypothesis. 

Dolly. But it doesn't work! Freewill won't work at 
all! Look at my own case! Do you suppose I should 
go on all my life having bills if I could help myself? 
[Catching Matt's eye, who looks at her gravely and 



91 [act IV. 

Jiolds up his finger^ Never mind my bills! Do make 
him see how wrong and absurd it is to punish poor 
Renie when there 's no such thing as free will ! 

Matt. Dolly's right! She's only saying what you 
have so admirably laid down here. My dear Pro- 
fessor, you cannot possibly publish this book ! 

Prof. But it has been announced ! I must publish it. 
Matt. You cannot. Read that. [Giving the PRO- 
FESSOR the book and pointing out pas sage i\ Surely after 
that you cannot condemn Mrs. Sturgess, 

Prof. [ Taking book, glancing at the passage. ] Real ly, 
it's most annoying when one's own wife upsets 

Matt. Oh! they're always making hay of our 
theories one way or the other. 

Prof. Of course, if one presses the matter home to 
first principles 

Dolly. Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own 
first principles ! You ought to be very sorry for poor 
Renie, considering all she has suffered. 

Prof. Suffered? 

Dolly. Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an 
awful struggle she has gone through between this un- 
fortunate flirtation and her admiration for you. 

Prof Her admiration for me! 

Dolly. Yes ! She always speaks of you as her great 
protagonist of science. 

Prof. [Mollified?^ Does she? Does she? 

Dolly. Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, 
and be very sweet to her, and above all don't reproach 
her. We women can endure anything except re- 
proaches 

Prof. [Looking at his proofs^ I must publish my 
book. And after all, as you say, it is useless to blame 
them when — a 

Matt. When, bless them, they can't help them- 
selves. 

Prof. I will hear what she has to say 

Dolly. No! Go straight to her, and forgive her, and 
don't say another word. And then I'm sure her gray 



ACT IV.] 92 

matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph 
that will be for you! 

Prof. It does offer a way out of the difficulty. 

{Exit. 
Dolly. Dad, I won't have her here next Christ- 
mas. 

Matt. No, my dear, I wouldn't. 

Dolly. That wretched Lucas ! 

Matt. What is to be done with him? 

Dolly. Pack him off! Pack him off at once! 

[X.UCAS cautiously looks in from upper con- 
servatory door. 
Lucas. I say, how 's the old bird seem to take it? 
Dolly. Old bird! 

Lucas. He isn't going to make a shindy over a 
trifle like this? 

Dolly. Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and 
expose you! 

Lucas. You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry! 

Dolly. Sorry! 

Lucas. I am, indeed! And any reparation I can 

make 

Dolly. Reparation ? ! 

Lucas. Such as an apology 

[Dolly utters a contemptuous exclamation. 
Matt. Will you give me your word of honour never 
to see Mrs. Sturgess again? 
Lucas. Yes. 
Matt. Or write to her? 
Lucas. Yes, 

Matt. The word of honour of an English gentleman 
used to mean something, Lu. 
Lucas. It does now, Uncle Matt! 
Matt. {Shakes hands with him heartily.'] Then I'll 
take it. Now be off as quickly as you can and let us 
make the best of it for you and her. 
Lucas. Thanks. Good-bye! 
Matt. Good-bye! 

[Lucas crosses to Dolly, offers his hand. 



93 [ACT IV- 

Dolly. No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely 
and if you behave yourself, I'll shake hands with you 
when you come back from India. 

Lucas. You're taking this too seriously — you're 
taking it far too seriously! {Exit. 

Matt. We're making a splendid start again for the 
New Year! 

Dolly. I hope this will be a lesson for Renie! 

Matt. I hope so. How about yourself? 

Dolly. What do you mean? 

Matt. I put the sovereign in, but — you've got a few 
more bills, eh? 

Dolly. Just a few oddments. 

Matt. How much ? 

Dolly. I don't know. Dad 

Matt. Well? 

Dolly. Now that South Africans have gone up at 
last, and you won that splendid coup on them last 
week 

Matt. Well? 

Dolly. You couldn't lend me — a few hundreds — till 
my allowance comes due? Just a few hundreds 

Matt. \In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head.^ 
What? What? What? Sad! Sad! Sad!! 

Dolly. {Listens.'] There's Harry! You will help me. 
Dad — you will? 

Matt. I'll see what I can do. 



Harry enters cheerfully. 

Harry. That's all right, Doll! There's the address. 
{Giving a slip of paper. 
Dolly. Thanks, dear. 

Harry. And now about these mere oddments? 
Dolly. Not now, dear. 
Harry. Yes, dear, now. [ Very sternly^ This instant ! 

Dolly. Harry, you're going to lose your temper 

Harry. No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, 
but {very ster/ily] let me see those bills. 



ACT IV.] 94 

Dolly. \Creeps frightejied lip to the desk.'] I'm sure 
you're going to lose your temper. 

l^Opens the desk. 

Harry. [Firmly.] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill 
is that? [She hands him one^ timorously^ Fulks and 
Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists! [looks at total] 
— one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm 

Dolly. Ah, Jobling! 

Harry. I should think I am Jobling. And you said 
you'd never enter their shop again! 

Dolly. \ never meant to, but this time it was abso- 
lutely necessary 

Harry. Necessary? 

Dolly. Yes — you see the chief item 

Harry. [Reads.] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and 
boa — eighty guineas — eighty guineas 

Dolly. I got them as a surprise for you when we go 
South next week. 

Harry. Surprise! Great heavens! What in the 
name of all 

Matt. Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. 
She got it to please you! 

Dolly. You haven't seen it yet, it 's just outside — 
I've a great mind to give you a great New Year's 
treat and let you see it on ! 

Harry. I'm not going to be sweedled 

Matt. Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have 
a look at it, and see whether it 's worth the money. 
Put it on, Doll. [Exit Dolly. 

Harry. [Calls after her.] I tell you I'm not going to 
be sweedled! 

Matt. What is sweedled? 

Harry. Sweedling is sweedling! It 's part swindling 
and part wheedling! It's what every d — ee — d good- 
natured husband like me has to go through, when he 's 
fool enough to put up with it! 

Matt. Well, old boy, you '11 have to pay, you know ; 
it will come to that in the end. 

Harry. I'm not going to be sweedled 



95 [act IV. 

Matt. And if Dolly has been'a little extravagant, 
I must help her out withlt to-morrow morning! 

Harry. No, we '11 go into it thoroughly to-night. 

Matt. No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above 
here. Besides, the cook is going to [give us a special 
New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy it. This New 
Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please! 



Dolly enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla 
coat. Harry looks a little sulky. She stands in 
the middle of the room and displays it. 

Dolly. Well? \_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks 
away; she follows him.l Well? \_Walking after him.^ 
Well? Well? 

\^He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds 
out her arms. 

Harry. Oh, hang it all ! [ Takes her in his arms and 
kisses her.] There! 

Holly. [Kissing him heartily.] And there! [Another 
kiss.] And there! [Another kiss.] And there! [Catches 
sight of the collecting box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it 
off its table on to Jhe floor ?^ AND THERE! 



CURTAIN. 



CHISWICK PRESS : PRINTED BY CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO. 
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON. 



)fl S9 191i 



LBJL'IO 



DOLLY REFORMING 
HERSELF 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 

BY 

HENRY ARTHUR JONES 



"Memnon con9ut un jour le projet insense d'etre 
parfaitement sage. II n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette 
folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la tete." — Voltaire. 



Copyright 1910 by HENRY ARTHUR JONES 



SAMUEL FRENCH 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 

NEW YORK 



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